Single Mom Striking Out

It's the raining season over here in Malaysia and going out for anything  can be a hassle, you know what I am talking about Florida, Washington and London. Either you are going to end up completely drenched or your sneakers are going to smell a little funky tomorrow. Today, my son said something to me when I lamented about the rain. ' Mom, we've got enough umbrellas, why is it that we never use them and end up running about frantically ?' Good question, my son. I don't know the answer myself. Why? LOL So, we grabbed the few umbrellas on the way out for lunch and we splashed around in the rain, flicking rain water at each other as we catch them falling from the edges of the umbrellas. Like kids do, not worrying about the sneakers tomorrow or getting sick tomorrow. It's funny when kids ask you questions like these and you realize that you stuck to something in your brain without knowing why you're doing it. The answers to why I never used the umbrellas...

You don't have to be anything but yourself. I know this to be true because I was formerly an entertainer and as an entertainer, one would have bend forward, backwards, sideways and under just to please the audience. It will take a toll on you if you allow other people to usurp your power to be just you.  I spent a large number of years trying to prove to others  that I was capable of things and that I was worth much more than they gave me credit for. I have never felt so alone and given-up-on in my life. Those years forced me to be stronger, become more aware of what I am made of and the kind of power I have inside of me that I wasn't making use of. I cared so much about what others thought about me that I forgot to like myself. I abandoned the idea of taking care of myself, and instead started proving to others what I am made of.  Don't. Forget it. If they don't see it in you, see it for yourself. Enjoy your own company and love whatever mistakes and flaws...

If you believe you control everything, you are putting yourself in danger of exhaustion. You will lose control of some things in life. And if you continue to believe and have a positive perspective, you prosper. I needed to remind myself to look at each task, one at a time and stop thinking about everything as a means to an end. That's life. You only need to handle the little piece of life that the Universe handed you. I don't need to be Super Human and control everything in front of me because not everything in front of me is within my control and it is not my business to meddle with it. In fact, even when you are in control of something, there will come a time when the Universe decides that you are done with it and you have to move on to the next thing the Universe hands you. One thing at a time will soon come together, like pieces of a puzzle.

These few months has been financially challenging for me because of the old vehicle that I am driving. On top of a battered battery, busted tires, I now have leaking whatever it is and water pump (or something like that).  I am lucky in that it happened on a Monday and when I sent the car in to my mechanic, I was given one of their spare cars to use while my car waits for their attention. I spent the next 4 days, NOT CAR-LESS. I am lucky that way.  But as with any car that is aged more than 10 years (the car is older than my elder son, who is 16 - I know, lol), problems come and go as quickly as the wind and I am feeling the pinch real bad. Instead of feeling down and frustrated, I tried looking for things that I could be happy about. My dad came to my rescue when the tires busted I actually have a mechanic who trusts me enough with a spare car for days without asking a peep about it And I trust them not to change every single thing in the car without notify...

As I sit here, listening to my kids laughing together over a YouTube video, my heart grieves for people who are consistently affected by these attacks. Why, I hear myself asking? How will we ever stop these incidents from happening in the future? What can I do? What can society do? What can countries and groups do? Or is this going to be a norm? So many questions with no answers. Sometimes, I guess, the only thing left to do is to pray and leave it up to our Makers.

Sometimes, I find myself having the most meaningful and honest conversations with my kids when I am sending them to school in the morning. And I love that. I would be all trying-to-be-positive and they would share with me their thoughts.  I don't remember how the conversation started but I thought I would share with them that 'owning up to mistakes gives you more control over your actions and what comes out of it'. Instead of saying 'it was his fault', which gives away the power, saying 'OK, I have a problem, now let's find a solution' is more powerful. Their contention had been 'but it makes me look bad' but I argued back, 'yes, but if you fix it, it makes you look awesome and even if you tried and it failed, you still looked like you tried and that's good'. Kids, at this age, obviously, are very careful about the image they project. After all, teenage years is about finding your ground, being accepted and well....being ...

The first few funerals that my relatives had to attend, I noticed how sad and distraught they were when they hear the news and when they come home after. I felt sorry for them. But as the years wore on, there were more and more funerals. My relatives are not young anymore and it is as if they have become numb to news of funerals. In fact, while I fought the urge to cry when one of the relatives was murdered brutally in a burglary, I noticed that the other relatives have the expression of acceptance. They did not even have anger in their hearts about the murderer. They were not furious and were not filled with hate. They just accepted it as it is, respected their dead sister in every way possible and went on with life.  In fact, the rest of us were more furious than they were and demanded the man be put to death for doing what he did. For them, they were like he will get what he deserves and it is not something they can control anymore. Nothing can bring their sister back t...

Things are not going particularly well for me here and I feel a little helpless and in despair. No one likes feeling this, I am sure but what's really good about me is that I tend to roll with the punches quite well. I keep reminders that I look at from time to time to remind myself that nothing is constant. Nothing in this world is forever.  Including problems and situations that we are in.  If you are feeling the same way, maybe this can serve as a reminder to you too.

You know how when you've been living in a place, particularly a house, you tend to accumulate a whole lot of stuff that you don't even remember buying or owning? Yup, this is kind of happening over here right now and as you age, you discover you don't need as many things. Hence, I am and will be trying to sell off some of the things that I think is merely taking up space, don't serve a purpose anymore or can benefit someone else if sold. And finding myself attaching to those items. Even things that I have never even made use of before and things that I thought only got in the way of life itself.  Like a painting. I find myself thinking but it's been there since forever, since we've moved in  and but the wall looks so different  without the painting there . Change and letting go of things is not easy for me, I don't know about the rest of you. Some people like to declutter...and that is why I suffer when it comes to change.  But slowly, one by on...

My boys are all grown up now and I know it is in vain because I can't stop them from growing up. They are supposed to. This is the way parenting works and we are not supposed to hold onto them forever. But it's hard. Very, very hard! If you are a parent, you might even sympathize with me but in more ways than one, letting go is an amazingly difficult thing to do. I have been letting it hold me back for too long. My kids, collectively, is my comfort zone, for every reason people tell me that I do not belong, they give me hundreds of other reasons to believe that I belonged. I resist change like no other but there is a reason for everything and there will come a time when we need to loosen our grip about things we can and cannot control. This serves as a reminder to myself, actually. I hope it is a good reminder for others like me too. I hope I am not alone.

I read something on the Internet that resonated with me...that Synchronicity happens for a very good reason, there are no accident and coincidences. This is in light with what happened in a Cincinnati Zoo where an innocent (but potentially dangerous) endangered gorilla had to be killed in an effort to save a child. Many were questioned, some accused, some stand confused, some thought it was the right decision while others went on to play the blame game. But when you look at it from the point of synchronicity, wouldn't you say that the incident happened to:- Remind parents to look out for their children ALL THE TIME. As a mother of two rumbustious boys (who are teenagers now), I know all too well how hard that is but it has to be done. Kids get away from you like in a split second Zoos have to be more secure, no two ways about it either Kids should be taught about the dangers of some animals BEFORE they get to a zoo (or anywhere dangerous, anyway). They have to be reminded ...