Single Mom Striking Out

Sometimes, we need reminders. Even ones that sounds so mundane and repetitive. Maybe even things that you hear from your mother a million times before, maybe even things that your kids can repeat back to you. We need reminders because sometimes we forget.  I've always felt a little guilty about not being able to bring my kids for overseas trips when their friends are visiting Japan, Hong Kong, Florida and the likes. I don't say it outloud but deep inside, I feel the guilt. Eight years ago, I was making a fair bit of money and did not need to pay for as many things so, I was capable of saving some money every month.  I saved enough to bring my kids, then 7 and 5, to Hong Kong Disneyland. That's the furthest that I've ever brought them and also the last time we've ever used their personal passports. Their friends also sometimes have the latest gadgets and the more up-to-date computers and games and I feel a pang of jealousy on my kids' behalf.  I wish...

Sometimes you just don't know what is happening in someone else's mind. You just don't so, you're going to have to accept what comes out of their mouths and actions.This week has been kind of confusing and bad for me over here.  First off, I've been sick. Made into clinic and hospital a few times because of recurring bouts of vomiting and gastric. This is, as said, is a recurring problem that I will have to find the source of soon enough. My mom is worried and I should do something about it.  Second, I was dissed even when I was sick. It could have been something I said or did during the course of the few hours but maybe because I was in such pain, I am not aware of what it was. Sometimes, it is like this - something you said or did had an effect on someone and they don't say anything about it. Instead, they lash it out on you the only way they know how. Bottom line is, they were hurt. Either that or they were in pain.  Pain and fear or hurt-feeling...

It's the raining season over here in Malaysia and going out for anything  can be a hassle, you know what I am talking about Florida, Washington and London. Either you are going to end up completely drenched or your sneakers are going to smell a little funky tomorrow. Today, my son said something to me when I lamented about the rain. ' Mom, we've got enough umbrellas, why is it that we never use them and end up running about frantically ?' Good question, my son. I don't know the answer myself. Why? LOL So, we grabbed the few umbrellas on the way out for lunch and we splashed around in the rain, flicking rain water at each other as we catch them falling from the edges of the umbrellas. Like kids do, not worrying about the sneakers tomorrow or getting sick tomorrow. It's funny when kids ask you questions like these and you realize that you stuck to something in your brain without knowing why you're doing it. The answers to why I never used the umbrellas...

You don't have to be anything but yourself. I know this to be true because I was formerly an entertainer and as an entertainer, one would have bend forward, backwards, sideways and under just to please the audience. It will take a toll on you if you allow other people to usurp your power to be just you.  I spent a large number of years trying to prove to others  that I was capable of things and that I was worth much more than they gave me credit for. I have never felt so alone and given-up-on in my life. Those years forced me to be stronger, become more aware of what I am made of and the kind of power I have inside of me that I wasn't making use of. I cared so much about what others thought about me that I forgot to like myself. I abandoned the idea of taking care of myself, and instead started proving to others what I am made of.  Don't. Forget it. If they don't see it in you, see it for yourself. Enjoy your own company and love whatever mistakes and flaws...

If you believe you control everything, you are putting yourself in danger of exhaustion. You will lose control of some things in life. And if you continue to believe and have a positive perspective, you prosper. I needed to remind myself to look at each task, one at a time and stop thinking about everything as a means to an end. That's life. You only need to handle the little piece of life that the Universe handed you. I don't need to be Super Human and control everything in front of me because not everything in front of me is within my control and it is not my business to meddle with it. In fact, even when you are in control of something, there will come a time when the Universe decides that you are done with it and you have to move on to the next thing the Universe hands you. One thing at a time will soon come together, like pieces of a puzzle.

These few months has been financially challenging for me because of the old vehicle that I am driving. On top of a battered battery, busted tires, I now have leaking whatever it is and water pump (or something like that).  I am lucky in that it happened on a Monday and when I sent the car in to my mechanic, I was given one of their spare cars to use while my car waits for their attention. I spent the next 4 days, NOT CAR-LESS. I am lucky that way.  But as with any car that is aged more than 10 years (the car is older than my elder son, who is 16 - I know, lol), problems come and go as quickly as the wind and I am feeling the pinch real bad. Instead of feeling down and frustrated, I tried looking for things that I could be happy about. My dad came to my rescue when the tires busted I actually have a mechanic who trusts me enough with a spare car for days without asking a peep about it And I trust them not to change every single thing in the car without notify...

As I sit here, listening to my kids laughing together over a YouTube video, my heart grieves for people who are consistently affected by these attacks. Why, I hear myself asking? How will we ever stop these incidents from happening in the future? What can I do? What can society do? What can countries and groups do? Or is this going to be a norm? So many questions with no answers. Sometimes, I guess, the only thing left to do is to pray and leave it up to our Makers.