Single Mom Striking Out

Taking things day by day is the only way. We have no idea what's gonna happen next. The kids are all growing up in different directions, tackling on and taking in different things that will shape THEIR future, not ours. We are finally taking the backseat, this time. Whatever's done is done. There's no going back. It's a new 'starting line'.

I went into relationships trying to cure people. Make them something better or help them without knowing that the percentage is really low. It means starting off on the wrong footing at the starting line, and it is usually the wrong footing.  If you start off not loving or respecting each other from the start, chances are, it's not going to happen. When will we learn?

Lol. Whenever the kids are off with their friends or dad (which is what's happening right now), I just wonder what I'd do with myself. It's time, I guess, to find myself again. As a mother, a single mother, your world would often revolve around just making everything as 'alright' as possible for the people you're responsible for. Your kids.   It's been 18 years now that I've been thrown into the parenting mix. At first, scared and unsure. Then a little more informed. Then frantic, chaotic, anxious, tumultuous, then calm, reassuring...and then things change.  Nothing stays permanent, says the Buddha. The only thing permanent and consistent in life is change.  It's time I rediscover myself. To go on a journey to rediscover that little girl who was so cock-sure she had everything under the thumb only to land in the unknown and terrifying world of parenting.  It's time to change. 

I know I am a little somber these days but at least I am sober. Considering the events that have rolled out so far this year, it bears mention that I am looking at life a little differently than before.  Compared to when I was younger, when I was more invincible, reality is more stark than ever. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis. I don't know. 

I still can't believe it.  Here is a man who has it, had it all. A writer with a sharp mind, unforgiving words, formidable vocabulary, unrelenting truths, unwavering honor to life, dedication to good food, curiosity about different cultures and the willingness to traverse where no other man was willing to.  And here is a man who decided that life was no longer worth living .  He is a man I respect with no exceptions. He won me over with his unshakeable confidence and an inside look into a dysphoria unknown to the rest of us common folks. I was into every word he had to say, every minute of his shows, ever since I read Kitchen Confidential. Here was someone I wanted to write and be like. He called Mr. Bourdain “the leader, the author, the TV entertainer, the visionary - Olivier Nasti, chef I've had this happen to me before in real life and the circumstances around it will become clearer as the days go by. One by one, reality will strike. Truth ...