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Finding

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I dont have a very close relationship with both my parents and siblings. It could be my fault or all our faults or none.

You see, I am the eldest child and growing up, I have always felt that I was to pave my own way. My parents did not really have the time for me as there were many battles to be fought, financially and as a family.

My mom had my brother and my dad had my sister. I was often left alone to tend to myself. Food was there and so was shelter and clothes. But I continued to believe that I have to pave my own way or find an alternative person or persons for 'affection' and 'love'. Hence, I found myself consistently looking outward for some kind of 'completion' of my soul.

Little did I know that I was to find it within myself. I WAS already complete but this removal of bond between my family and I had led to people believing that I was selfish or just independent.

But I was far from that.

My confidence further crumbled when I was faced with dialoyalty and my faith in having a good life dwindled to near nothing. I will never have a good life. Ever and I dont deserve it either.

Self punishment is a constant. I did not put myself first, I was not important.

This led to a lot of things which caused me to be unhappy. But my kids are bigger and stronger than me and they consistently remind me that they love me, probably seeing that I do not love myself enough as it is.

Turns out, they are absolutely right. I have to put myself as priority. What wonderful kids I have and I am now happier and freer than before.

I am still working on my confidence level but I guess in some small bahy steps, I can become the curious, ambitious and ever cheerful self again.

The 'finding' is a journey, after all.

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