Today was interesting because my family went out for a meal to celebrate a few birthdays today. It was delicious and fun!
But sometimes, you don't see the things you are supposed to see until someone else points it out. I hate it that I am sensitive to too many things around me, but even I sometimes miss out on signals.
Some people are just better at hiding things behind a smile than others. Until someone tells you a funny thing about it. Like someone from the family was missing from the birthday lunch today and I thought nothing about it, and even asked after the missing person. A reason was given and I accepted it as logical.
But then, my father, who is older and perhaps more perceptive, said that something might be amiss. There could have been a rough patch.
Mind blown.
Living with someone else is not an easy thing. Living with your own family is a problem on its own. Your brother is annoying, your mother is naggy, your father is obnoxious, your cousin is an ass, your grandmother keeps leaving things around...anything can be a problem.
I know a thing or two about living with your partner's family instead. I was living with my in-laws for more than 5 years, I think, because it was conducive for raising the young children that I was raising then. Whatever privacy that my younger self thought I wanted and needed, I abandoned them.
The plus side is that there's always a babysitter around. Food is always ready. I don't have to pay the utility bills. There's no worrying about when the laundry is done. Basically, all the life-things that I was supposed to shoulder as an adult was taken care of.
The down side is that it can get complicated because living under one roof with others is never an easy thing. If you're real family members, you might get away with a whole lot more. If you're NOT real family members, there are things that can crack the nut.
People are also less inclined to come out and say whatever is on their minds and find solutions. Bitching is easier because you want people on your side in case of an argument. See? That's the thing when you're not a real family unit. You take sides.
When I was living with my in-laws, I was pampered. This meant there was bitching behind my back that I wasn't aware of. Sides were taken, I was outnumbered. Basically, I am not really the kind of person to politicize or aggravate a situation at home when it's supposed to be a refuge. It's home. We take each other for granted, that's the thing with life as a family.
But when you're living with 'other people', and I say the words in the loosest sense of the word, there are camps. If you're smart, you'd be the one ramping up people to be in YOUR camp. If you're not smart, like me, you end up being outnumbered and not having anyone to back you up.
Do we really have to do this in a family?
The thing is that if you're living with your in-laws (who are NOT, obviously, your real family members), you need your partner to back you up somewhat. Even if it's a meek attempt to calm things down while we sort things over. I never had that.
I was always in the wrong. As mentioned, I was pampered, did not pay the bills, had no friend in the house, and my partner thinks that I am the worst mistake in his life.
I probably was, and he was probably mine.
But I remember something very vividly and it hurts me to this very day. I was always left alone in the house (with my in-laws) by my partner. I cared for the kids as best as I could, and I tried to work to make money. There was one night when my in-laws decided to go out to the night market. I wanted to join them. But they gave me some lame excuses and ditched me. I sat there on the staircase, holding my first-born (this was before my second child was born), desperately alone. It hurts me even when I am writing this so many years later.
The feeling of being not-wanted and abandoned never really leaves you, I think. It feels like you're being hated and you don't know why.
I cried, put on the CD for my son and let him watch his favorite shows, while I sat there and wondered what it was that I did that day that could have pissed them off. I couldn't figure it out then, but I know it's a culmination of family-hate towards me. I was a bottom feeder freeloader.
I was. And now that I think about it, can you blame them for thinking that way? I WAS a bottom feeder freeloader. It made me feel bad about my life and the circumstances I was facing at that time, but instead of facing it all with hate and vengeance like another relative of mine was doing in the past, I think it's best to try my best to understand and then forgive.
Forgiving is one of the hardest things to do in this world. Forget about saying 'sorry' because it doesn't hold a candle to 'forgiving'. True forgiveness releases you and lets you fly free.
“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska
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