Single Mom Striking Out

Almost had a panic attack in the middle of driving along a highway last night. I could feel it sneaking up on me but with my personal history, I know too well exactly what it feels like. It's like ants crawling up my arms, my mind going haywire, the start of a faint tremble and the rapid breathing. But with this knowledge, I've also learned how to recognize it, not fight it and continue breathing. Letting it sit down next to me and stop fighting. I know that the moment I try to fight the feeling, that's when it will win and I will have a full-blown panic attack right in the middle of a highway. This could be TERRIBLE ! You don't know when and why it hits you, that's the problem with this disease. It could be brought on by a full busy day, a stressful phone call or just the chocolate ice-cream you just ate. It sucks. But knowing what it feels like makes all the difference in the world. I look back now and know that it was probably brought on by guilt. End 2006 ...

I've never been good at changing of status quo, come to think of it. I prefer to keep things predictable so that I know what to do when something goes wrong. It comes with parenting, perhaps, because parents have to predict and solve so many things on the fly. No notice given, lots of surprises. But since my kids are growing up, I find myself loosening things up a little bit more. Giving myself a shot at making mistakes that nobody can blame me for. I guess I grew up either being blamed or blaming myself. In such instances, avoiding change or unpredictable things becomes number one priority. Like I said, however, my kids are a little more grown now and I feel the power of freedom coming back into my life. Is it for the better? I hope so.

Sometimes, I just don't know where Trump is coming from. Where his views came from and why does he think the rest of the world is out to get America . Instead of helping people understand, love and protect each other, his mission is to destroy every fabric of cultural tolerance and understanding in humankind.  It challenges my belief system, it makes me wonder if I was right to be loving instead of hating, makes me think that I am looking Evil right in the eye...in the form of a picture or through the lens of a camera.  But if it is an indication, it shows that the world still needs much help. That there is a large number of people, not just in the United States, but all around the world, that chooses hate over love. Our work on this planet is being undone by a man who views the world, his allies, as potential threat and enemy. His rhetoric is almost unbelievable when you listen to him talk or have a quick look at his Twitter account.  It makes Christians won...

I've written it somewhere that the ultimate life I wish to live and experience once my kids are grown up is that I can work from anywhere. My work allows me to travel, move around and earn as I go. But I've never really done anything to experience this, hanging onto the fact that I love my home, where I live and I don't want to go anywhere because change is a big hassle.  But there comes a time when there's not much of a choice. The time could be now.  It makes me sad and cautious because I don't like change very much and always prefer status quo. Maybe it's time to change this, to put this to a test, to show myself that I can adapt. In fact, when I was young, change was exciting and something new to look forward to.  As I age, I relish the idea of having a place, a refuge, to call home. Anywhere I am challenged and tired, I return to my refuge and I am comforted. Although I no longer have a bunch of people (a family) to live with, to support me and...

After battling a whole sea of people from morning till late afternoon, it feels great to be home. Sometimes, we forget to be thankful that we have a refuge. A room to rest and relax and lie your head in. A place to eat with your family. Modern amenities for your clothes and space for your clothes-drying. A kitchen to prepare food. A bathroom with running water. A computer to work on. The list of simple things that we sometimes overlook is endless. Everything from friends, family to cars and beds. Once you step into the world where humans are everywhere, you will soon realize that you are merely one of many. And it takes each and every one of you, them, us to make it work. And when I come home to my refuge, and they to theirs, we have to remember to be grateful that we have one.

Most days I wake up remembering to be grateful for what I have. To appreciate the fact that we have never once (well, maybe once or twice) had to live out in the streets, abandoned and almost unforgotten.  Most days. Some days, I make the mistake of comparing my life and my kids' lives (mostly their lives, because I feel sorry for them for having me as a mother) to others and wishing that there were things that I could have done for them.  This morning, my son asked for a new phone case because the phone tend to slip out of his fingers sometimes and he was afraid of it falling out of his hands and breaking. It was a reasonable request. But because I've had several bills and payment reminders in the past, and coursing through my mind was the number of stuff that I have to get from the morning market, I lashed out at him for being high maintenance . In reality, my kids are not really high maintenance. In fact, they're really kind, understanding and rather ...

"Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live." Anonymous  Laughter and love make great partners like salt and pepper; bread and butter; and a bat and ball. Laughter makes one forget the seriousness of the day ; the dark clouds of worry; and the looming regrets of yesterday. Love nurtures the soul; warms the heart and promises the dreams of tomorrow. Bring them together in your relationships today and watch the seeds of sunshine grow. Laugh often and love How easy it is for us to forget to do this...laugh. Because we face everyday challenges, bills to pay, unexpected news, obstacles in life, changes in friendships and love life, work environment and family, we might be carrying around a huge sack of burden on our backs without even knowing we're doing so. It's not that we stop feeling sad or burdened or emotional about things but it is a reminder for us to remember that laughter, happiness, joy and gratefulness is right around the corner too. As ...