Single Mom Striking Out

Taking things day by day is the only way. We have no idea what's gonna happen next. The kids are all growing up in different directions, tackling on and taking in different things that will shape THEIR future, not ours. We are finally taking the backseat, this time. Whatever's done is done. There's no going back. It's a new 'starting line'.

I went into relationships trying to cure people. Make them something better or help them without knowing that the percentage is really low. It means starting off on the wrong footing at the starting line, and it is usually the wrong footing.  If you start off not loving or respecting each other from the start, chances are, it's not going to happen. When will we learn?

Lol. Whenever the kids are off with their friends or dad (which is what's happening right now), I just wonder what I'd do with myself. It's time, I guess, to find myself again. As a mother, a single mother, your world would often revolve around just making everything as 'alright' as possible for the people you're responsible for. Your kids.   It's been 18 years now that I've been thrown into the parenting mix. At first, scared and unsure. Then a little more informed. Then frantic, chaotic, anxious, tumultuous, then calm, reassuring...and then things change.  Nothing stays permanent, says the Buddha. The only thing permanent and consistent in life is change.  It's time I rediscover myself. To go on a journey to rediscover that little girl who was so cock-sure she had everything under the thumb only to land in the unknown and terrifying world of parenting.  It's time to change. 

I know I am a little somber these days but at least I am sober. Considering the events that have rolled out so far this year, it bears mention that I am looking at life a little differently than before.  Compared to when I was younger, when I was more invincible, reality is more stark than ever. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis. I don't know. 

I still can't believe it.  Here is a man who has it, had it all. A writer with a sharp mind, unforgiving words, formidable vocabulary, unrelenting truths, unwavering honor to life, dedication to good food, curiosity about different cultures and the willingness to traverse where no other man was willing to.  And here is a man who decided that life was no longer worth living .  He is a man I respect with no exceptions. He won me over with his unshakeable confidence and an inside look into a dysphoria unknown to the rest of us common folks. I was into every word he had to say, every minute of his shows, ever since I read Kitchen Confidential. Here was someone I wanted to write and be like. He called Mr. Bourdain “the leader, the author, the TV entertainer, the visionary - Olivier Nasti, chef I've had this happen to me before in real life and the circumstances around it will become clearer as the days go by. One by one, reality will strike. Truth ...

I don't have the perfect home. To the contrary, my home is messy and very lived-in. I've considered, as a result, countless times on how to go on a minimalist journey. There are so many fulfilling stories about how people found the courage and resolve to ditch their homes, sell their belongings and traverse their world and live out of a van.  It's the kind of dramatic lifestyle changes that inspires movies, I guess.  Along with the removal of physical clutter, there will rise mental clutters. Old dining room sets that has been with you for eons, the painting that was gifted to you by someone, picture frames, your first musical instrument, your beloved kitchen appliances, bar stools that you've not used for years on end. and a home filled with the nice things  that helped define a successful life. Isn't this how people define how well they've lived their lives? For me, the story is a little different. For close to a year now, I've been trying to ...

Today was interesting because my family went out for a meal to celebrate a few birthdays today. It was delicious and fun! But sometimes, you don't see the things you are supposed to see until someone else points it out. I hate it that I am sensitive to too many things around me, but even I sometimes miss out on signals.  Some people are just better at hiding things behind a smile than others. Until someone tells you a funny thing  about it. Like someone from the family was missing from the birthday lunch today and I thought nothing about it, and even asked after the missing person. A reason was given and I accepted it as logical.  But then, my father, who is older and perhaps more perceptive, said that something might be amiss. There could have been a rough patch.  Mind blown.  Living with someone else is not an easy thing. Living with your own family is a problem on its own. Your brother is annoying, your mother is naggy, your father is obn...