Single Mom Striking Out

...for the sheer number of years that I've spent with my head clouded with hangovers, I really never thought I'd say that I hate the feeling. Finally opened the bottle of white wine my former neighbor gave me before we left the old home and had it while watching a show. It was a nice feeling. But I hated the feeling the next day. The anxiety. The shakiness. The uncertainty. The headache. The inability to string my thoughts together. There were moments when I sat down with my eyes closed, wondering to myself how I did this before. Not for years, but for more than a decade. For more than 10 years, I often woke up with a clouded head. It's coming to 2 years since I've decided to turn the tables around. There are days when I still drink with friends, myself and with neighbors. I would, however, say that it has become more of a social obligation than anything else. I enjoy the short few hours of bravado and excitement and then wake up the next day with my head splitt...

Today was my version of Thanksgiving where the family got together and a fight occurred out of nowhere. #lol The person's not me, of course, but it serves as a reminder that no matter how long ago some incident has been, some wounds just wont heal. Either they won't heal or they're easy to dig up. It's easy to say that we all have to look forward to tomorrow and learn from yesterday, sometimes, it's hard. No matter how positive people try to be at all times, like me, slivers of the past remains. Although it's easy to continue to soldier on and look forward to tomorrow, it doesn't take a lot for the past to rear its ugly head. This was precisely what happened to my parents today. The little-little things that my father thinks is forgotten (for him) and bygone, it remains an issue with my mom. I find myself standing a little on my mom's side on this one for a simple reason: I've seen how big the scar is. It just goes to show that there's ...

I miss my old home now. Maybe I am just being emo now, hormones or something, but there's were so many things I took for granted when I was there. It feels like a downgrade at the moment. But the kids are happy with their new spaces at the moment. They don't see beyond just having a place to sleep, play, come home to, and eat. That's the way kids are It's the adults who have to worry about all the 'other stuff'. We are adjusting well, otherwise. I have to learn to be more fluid and tougher. I had a very shielded life and I was extremely comfortable. But now things have changed. Learning to live with a little bit of frustration and difficulty strengthens people. That's what they say. The process may not be smooth but at least we are together and we are safe. Be thankful and grateful for the small things in life, that's my self reminder.

First time blogging from the new home. This is kind of epic for me because it's been more than 10 years since we've ever woken up in a new place. We don't travel much and have a routine so steely that we get a little unsettled when it veers off course. Our old home, when we first moved on was, of course, just as messy, but we had the advantage of an interior designer clearing the path for us before we even stepped foot in the home. From the moment they started laying down the tiles to the moment we slept there for the first time, we had the advantage. This time is so bloody different. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, had to start from ground up. And this is the mess right now. We'll get used to this. It may take weeks or months, though. For one, I am not familiar with living in a home that does not belong to us. We've been lucky to own the homes we lived in. No landlord to answer to. As kind and nice as this landlord is, he's kind of overbe...

We are leaving. Really leaving. It's sad and heartbreaking but we have had enough time to face this devil. Maybe it's not even a devil. It's just a transition to something else, be it good or bad. But it's one thing for sure: growth and expansion. You know how some brides and grooms have running-away thoughts before their wedding day? Yeah, I am facing them right now.  I have doubts that we will be comfy in the new place, that I made a big mistake, and that I should have rented a condo instead. But you know what? What's done is done. I only have to face the consequences of my decisions and go with the flow, fix what needs fixing and make sure we can fit in as quickly as possible. Yes, there's much to be done and it's going to take time and money but it's all going to be ok. We just need to slowly adjust to the new circumstances. This is not the first time I've moved home. But it's the first time we are moving as three grown people...

I don't always believe or use these cards but the chances of them coming out the way they did was a bit freaky because it answered my questions. We're making some transitions and one of the things that I am worried about is safety. Are we going to be safe? We are also going to miss so many things we are used to. I feel unsafe! But these cards are comforting. I am going to keep them in this order to remind and calm myself. It's ok. Have faith and confidence. My loved ones and I am protected and loved.

With the boys approaching different junctures in their lives, I am finding things a little disorientating. More time spent planning, fretting, worrying, talking and on the road. They are still going to the same school so the morning and afternoon route is the norm. Now that they're splitting up, I am facing a shit storm ahead. There's going to be hell on my schedule and I am going to device a method so that I can get work done. I've still got to work and bring in the bread. That's the problem. In other luckier families, one person is usually assigned to doing this. As a single parent, all of it lies on my shoulder. It's hard. I know nothing in life is easy but being a single parent is one of the hardest thing to do in life. Was it a choice? Yes and no. Yes, it was the better option. No because 2 people in this gig is better than 1. But I will take this in my stride and do the best that I can. That's all that this universe can ask from me. Everything else is ...