Forget About Everything?

Every single day....

People have no idea what it feels like to be a single parent...whether you're a mom or a dad. Especially when you don't have a support system. 

Considering the questions that I have been asking myself lately which includes:-

• Am I lonely?
• Am I too picky?
• Am I too cocky?
• Am I too obnoxious?
• Am I too self-absorbed?
• Am I too family-focused?
• Am I neglecting myself?
• Do I need a man?
• Do I WANT a man?
• What kind of fun would I like to have as a person, as the little girl that I used to be, the fun-loving teenager and brazen adult?
• What if money wasn't an issue with this family?
• What am I missing as a human, as a person?

I've been told that I should focus on myself and throw caution to the wind. Have fun, there is no better time to have it all than RIGHT NOW. Forget about everything and just let it go. 

Can I?

What about the bills? What about the food, the kids and their upbringing? Would it be better with a man around the house (at some point, when everything in the house is slowly breaking down, yeah...I think a man would be useful...unless they're like my kids - LOL)

To all these people, all I've got to say is this:-

Everyone wants to have fun. I am a human and I want to have fun too but because I have been a single parent for so long, there's nobody but me. If you were to accept me and love me, then this is the deal. This is it. My family, my kids, is going to be the most important thing to me.

Why? Here's one good reason: They've kept me alive. Whether they know it or not, they have. Until the day they don't need me anymore, I am going to be. That's what I promised to be when I became a mother and I have since dedicated my life to that. 

I cannot do what you propose, which is to dump everything and just go have fun because I no longer know what to do (at the moment) and I can't live with myself if I abandon my duties as a mother all of a sudden. 

Until that day, I am going to be here. Until someone mature, worthy of my time, love and dedication comes along, I am love being by myself because I have learned that even when nobody loves me, I love me more than anything on this planet. 

If that is selfish, would you rather learn that over the course of 10 years, I stayed bored, lonely, sad, yearning and loveless? If that is what you think, then you're sadly mistaken. I am not always sad and lonely. Sometimes, I am, but most of the time, I enjoy being myself. The silence and the absolute control over my life and preferences. 

I no longer know how to adapt to another person's needs and wants. I am not sorry about that because I am human. I have conditioned myself this way as a form of survival and survive I did. 

People who know me know that it's hard to keep me down for very long. And if I have to fight to stay afloat, I will. And I did. I deserve, at least, that credit.