Single Mom Striking Out

Some people are asshole but maybe it started off with me being a bitch or asshole from the start and their response was in kind. I don't really know because I've been meeting up with some people. Some good, some uncertain, some shit heads. Have a shitty landlord and he's really one of a kind. But I am thinking this could be a result of me being an asshole to his father to begin with. I wasn't an asshole to his father, more like begging for time to adjust to the new place. 2019 is not starting out good so far. Money is tight and my employer is really kind of uncertain. I smell trouble, something he's not telling me outright. It seems that he's got something against hiring me. I just don't know. Just follow my instincts. I think it's also kind of sad that I've been reduced to a young, dreamy person, full of life, and hopeful for everything in front of her...to someone who believes that everyone has an ulterior motive.  I don'...

Except from " Are You Ready for Happiness? - Don't Let the Paper Tiger Scare You Off " by Khenpo Tsultrim Lodro (translated by Lorraine Wu Chen ) Source of suffering How does human suffering arise? Without thorough investigation, many people instinctively think suffering arises from not having money, not having enough to eat, not having warm clothing, etc. Actually, these are only some of the reasons why we suffer: they are not the main reason.  Original Source of Suffering - Clarity and Ocean of Stillness Buddhism occasionally uses the ocean to describe our state of mind, and sometimes the sky and clouds to explain the essence or activities of the mind. Here we draw a parallel between the ocean and our mind.  The clarity of the mind is likened to an ocean surface which is completely still - without sound, waves or ripples, it is calm and peaceful and seemingly empty of time and space.  Note :  Maybe, one day, I will have the calmnes...

I felt sad when Boy 1 asked me after dinner last night if I regretted having kids. We spent the morning discussing and negotiating school fees and the boys were there to watch the whole thing. I know they felt the pinch on my behalf.  But I've never regretted having kids! I never regretted having them as my kids, although I've regretted meeting their father. But that was one of the most inevitable parts of my life. Unexplaineable. As much as he wished he did not meet me, I don't think he regrets having the boys either.  What I regret is not pulling them out of the money-sucking private educational system sooner. I watch as my friends put THEIR kids in public schools and I can't help but envy their timing and decision.  Back then, we had a bit of resources and my ex had a bit of money for it. Things change and here we are, me shouldering the school fees for private schooling in Malaysia. The worst thing is that my work is unstable. I am only a freelancer...

Today feels a little weird. Went back to my in-laws' place, which we don't visit often enough, and made to feel more than a little unwelcomed or like I was causing trouble.  It just felt weird and I can't put my finger on it.  I felt like I was judged. Maybe it's just me or I am just being hormonal about it.  But whatever it is, I just need to keep my head up and as long as it was unintentional and don't know anything about it (because I am blur), there's nothing I can do about it.  The truth is that if someone has problems with me and don't tell me about it (not even a hint), there's really nothing I can do about it. If I knew about it and given the option to change or behave a certain way, I will think about it and see if I can find a middle-way.  But sometimes people just don't want to tell you things. It makes me feel like just a needle.  Well, I made the best out of it. That's all that is required of me, right? Being...

With a transition looming ahead of us and major adjustments, my mind has been filled with all kinds of worry ranging from bomb threats to serious murders. I know, right? It's one of those things in life that happens, we have to go through it and try to make do with what we have. Or don't have. This is just a reminder to not rob myself of happiness when it is possible. As a Buddhist, I read Buddhist texts almost every day, trying to keep them in order to be a better person/human. But I am still a human. Right now, I am battling my ego and finding myself in an inner emotional conflict.  On one hand, I hate to have to deal with this Person M, on the other hand, it's the only thing I can do to make sure that my kids finish school properly. They need to finish whatever we've started and get moving with life. Onto the next stage of their wonderful journey.  It's time I battle my ego and set it aside, learn how to keep the lid on, and remember the bigg...