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Man, What a Start

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I felt sad when Boy 1 asked me after dinner last night if I regretted having kids. We spent the morning discussing and negotiating school fees and the boys were there to watch the whole thing. I know they felt the pinch on my behalf. 

But I've never regretted having kids! I never regretted having them as my kids, although I've regretted meeting their father. But that was one of the most inevitable parts of my life. Unexplaineable. As much as he wished he did not meet me, I don't think he regrets having the boys either. 

What I regret is not pulling them out of the money-sucking private educational system sooner. I watch as my friends put THEIR kids in public schools and I can't help but envy their timing and decision. 

Back then, we had a bit of resources and my ex had a bit of money for it. Things change and here we are, me shouldering the school fees for private schooling in Malaysia.

The worst thing is that my work is unstable. I am only a freelancer. Many times, the company that I work for gave me anxiety because they keep changing things there in the U.S. and I am not privy to any that information. Any time, I can be out of a job. Any time. 

But the school fees are killing me, people are being unkind, and the world is just a spinning materialistic globe. Sometimes, I wonder if I am up for this game of life. 
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