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Miracles and Unicorns

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Some people are asshole but maybe it started off with me being a bitch or asshole from the start and their response was in kind. I don't really know because I've been meeting up with some people. Some good, some uncertain, some shit heads.
Have a shitty landlord and he's really one of a kind.

But I am thinking this could be a result of me being an asshole to his father to begin with. I wasn't an asshole to his father, more like begging for time to adjust to the new place.

2019 is not starting out good so far. Money is tight and my employer is really kind of uncertain. I smell trouble, something he's not telling me outright. It seems that he's got something against hiring me.

I just don't know. Just follow my instincts.

I think it's also kind of sad that I've been reduced to a young, dreamy person, full of life, and hopeful for everything in front of her...to someone who believes that everyone has an ulterior motive. 

I don't trust people. Sometimes, I have to consciously tell myself to look at only the good points of people so that I don't have such dark glasses on. I tell myself that everyone's out there to survive, have their own battles, and are looking out for the special people in THEIR lives. 

For someone who is willing to do so many things, give up everything, for the belief that human beings are, at their cores, good people, I have come down a long, dark tunnel. 

It's making me a very gray person and I don't like it. 

I still believe in miracles and unicorns but only when I am by myself. Instead of believing that the world has miracles and unicorns, I now only see miracles and unicorns in my heart. 

The good news is that, in my heart of heart, there exists my younger self. The one who believes in dreams, the young girl who believes that if she tries hard enough, she will get far. If not the furthest, then as far as she can ever imagine herself to be. Then she would be very proud of herself despite her failures and falls because she doesn't believe that failures determine one's happiness with one's achievements. 

I can still feel that little girl in me cheering me on despite the dark dark glasses from which I am peering out behind. 

People suck, but the world doesn't have to. 

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