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There's No Blunt End to Betrayal

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Those predictors were not too far off the mark when they said the year of the pig is not a good year for me. Man, they didn't tell me it was gonna suck so bad.

It's final. The woman my ex-husband cheated with on me has finally been accepted into his family home. What really broke me and tore me into pieces was that they disliked me or hated me so much as to not tell me that they was going to be there for the opening of the CNY get-together.

They all expected me to sit there and suck it up like nothing happened. Like she was a new friend. That she didn't betray me. Like she didn't harass me when they were fucking around with each other. Like she didn't drag me into her drama while I was struggling to battle my own demons.

With her in the picture with the "official family", they're giving me the boot.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my fault, it wasn't me who cheated, I was treated like trash but I hung on, I tried my best, it's not my fault, I'm not broken, I will be alright....



But there will come a point whereby I have to let it go. I have to lean into the pain, the mental torment, let it hurt me, try to understand it, learn from it and then find a way out of it a better person.

Unlike other years when I ran away from the emotions, I am no longer running. I am tired. I am staying here and feeling every little bit the pain has to give me. I am making friends with the pain now.

There are so many negative and VERY destructive thoughts going through my head but as I sat there thinking about them, I realize that they had one origin...revenge. The betrayal I felt a long time ago has resurfaced and now I want revenge and I know I can get it.

But I asked my emotions another question...why? What's it going to do apart from re-hurting everyone who has hurt you. How's that going to help me?

The answer is a simple: nothing. It's not going to help me. It might temporarily make me feel triumphant but at the end of the day, the negative emotions remain BECAUSE of the triumph.

This article I found on Tiny Buddha made a world of sense to me, coming into my feed with perfect timing. Instead of fighting our emotions, what if we sat down and listened to it? What are they trying to tell you?

This is the thing: True healing doesn’t look cool. It’s not a fighting and a conquering, but a softer, more intuitive process. This is why society resists it so much. True healing requires us to be counter-cultural. It requires us to be awkward, to stay in on Friday nights, to take strange trips or buy strange things that we can’t quite explain to other people. - Brianna Johnson, What Your Negative Emotions Are Trying To Tell You

What I've been doing wrong is running away and pretending it didn't hurt me when it bloody did and still DOES.

No. It hurts. Betrayal hurts everyone. And sometimes, it never heals. Most people who heal only learn to deal with it, tolerate it, and try to look on the bright side, i.e. the lessons learned, new opportunities, freedom, stronger personalities, etc.

But at the end of the day, betrayal is like a knife shoved into your chest cavity and twisted slowly while you lay there asking why.

*** ***

I just don't see an end to this pain and torture. Fleeting between wanting to move on and the need for revenge is making me go insane. Every time I try to work or go about my daily stuff, things pop into my head that makes me want to drive a knife into his and her (and the family's) guts.

I want to see then writhing around in pain and cause them misery for the rest of their lives and this kind of thoughts can't be good for my own karma and sanity. I don't want to be insane. I don't want to do something I will regret but rage fills me up often when I am trying my best to move on.

*** ***

I know it's time to let go. But I need to let this murderous emotions get their way around my system, get them out of the way, and then I will feel the freedom and control that is lying just ahead of me.

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