Skip to main content

Not Very Zen, Not Very Patient, an Absolutely Ungrateful

By
Please tell me everyone goes through this - when you're really in deep with responsibilities, worries, and anxiety about the future, you tend to be really grouchy, ungrateful and full of complaints. 

Today was such a day. 

Son 2 was having problems with his computer, Son 1 was trying to get ready for his art exam and need supplies (he's worried and anxious too), and I am worried about my up-and-coming firing from a job that I've been at for the past 13 years. 

I felt unappreciated, had to deal with everything on my own, and like my life ended when I met my ex-husband when I was 26. 

Honestly, when we were at the mall, I felt like throwing myself off a balcony and just end everything. As I was passing small children in playgrounds, I pitied the parents for thinking that their kids bring joy, and I wanted to even scorn and make the kids cry. 

I surprised myself for having so much negativity when I normally love being around children. They have such innocence but along with that innocence are their real lives. They require a lot of money and attention to raise and a scary thought entered my head: Human beings should all just be killed. We should not procreate because it is such trouble. 

It's the thought of it that really made me sick to the stomach. The negative feeling soaring through my head was almost all-encompassing. 

What...on...earth...is wrong with me?!

As I was driving back, I was thinking negative thoughts about my ex and about how he got away with all this bull-fucking-shit and all this parenting stuff that comes along after they fuck you and your life over. 

I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone's like that. NOT EVERYONE'S LIKE THAT. There are good people out there. 

For a moment, I understood the insane feeling that serial killers or mass shooters might have experienced, even if it was for a short period of time. For that one insane moment, you hate everyone. Every single person around you for whatever the reason may be. 

It's really quite scary and if you let that feeling take over you, I can imagine what those people might actually believe and proceed to do with such emotions and thoughts. 

I love my kids from here to infinity - they were the people who saved me from self destruction and put me on a path to being a responsible person, and yet, for the day, I wanted to be free. 

I wanted to be me and I was bound to my duty as a parent to be whatever it is that is required of me...instead of being me. 
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

R.I.P. to Another Shining Star : Kim Jonghyun

By
Generally speaking, I DO listen to a little bit of Kpop, not always, but when I do, I am almost always enraptured by the countless melodic compositions and ballads. My favorite Korean singer, to this very day, remains to be Sung Si Kyung and Shinhwa. I've also listened to TVXQ, Super Junior, ZE;A and many others. I sometimes search up Girls Generation because I like how the girls' long limbs are almost always so coordinated, they look like clockwork. But that was maybe the problem...the clockwork. Kim Jonghyun, a member of Shinee, took his own life this week, days shy of Christmas and a brand new year. It tears at my heart a little, the same way it did when I found out Chester Bennington ended his own. Shining stars on our planet, blessed with emotional breath so deep that their emotions would often seep out of their skins and spread across the sea of tens of thousands of fans during their concerts and live performances. Even without being in their presence, their songs a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Unsticking yourself from Old Belief Systems

By
It's the raining season over here in Malaysia and going out for anything  can be a hassle, you know what I am talking about Florida, Washington and London. Either you are going to end up completely drenched or your sneakers are going to smell a little funky tomorrow. Today, my son said something to me when I lamented about the rain. ' Mom, we've got enough umbrellas, why is it that we never use them and end up running about frantically ?' Good question, my son. I don't know the answer myself. Why? LOL So, we grabbed the few umbrellas on the way out for lunch and we splashed around in the rain, flicking rain water at each other as we catch them falling from the edges of the umbrellas. Like kids do, not worrying about the sneakers tomorrow or getting sick tomorrow. It's funny when kids ask you questions like these and you realize that you stuck to something in your brain without knowing why you're doing it. The answers to why I never used the umbrellas...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Sweet Life

By
Bad news comes along everyday but last year alone, quite a few bad news struck me. The timing was like a mechanical pendulum. I thought to myself several times that I had enough, that what I needed was a break. A 10 day retreat where I am required to speak to no one, do nothing, listen to silence and nature and just be what I am meant to be.  But real life is not something you can escape for a long period of time. I served my silence....but reality will pendulum-swing back. A friend passed away after being in a coma for a few months. I know both husband and wife and they've always been really positive about handling the toughest of life situations. We may not agree with everything, but we do agree on many. During the time she was unconscious, I prayed every single day. I kid you not.  Her husband would report about her condition, good or bad, and I would either offer thanks or pray for good news and strength. Even during the worst hit moments, I kept the posi...
Post a Comment
Read more