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Not Very Zen, Not Very Patient, an Absolutely Ungrateful

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Please tell me everyone goes through this - when you're really in deep with responsibilities, worries, and anxiety about the future, you tend to be really grouchy, ungrateful and full of complaints. 

Today was such a day. 

Son 2 was having problems with his computer, Son 1 was trying to get ready for his art exam and need supplies (he's worried and anxious too), and I am worried about my up-and-coming firing from a job that I've been at for the past 13 years. 

I felt unappreciated, had to deal with everything on my own, and like my life ended when I met my ex-husband when I was 26. 

Honestly, when we were at the mall, I felt like throwing myself off a balcony and just end everything. As I was passing small children in playgrounds, I pitied the parents for thinking that their kids bring joy, and I wanted to even scorn and make the kids cry. 

I surprised myself for having so much negativity when I normally love being around children. They have such innocence but along with that innocence are their real lives. They require a lot of money and attention to raise and a scary thought entered my head: Human beings should all just be killed. We should not procreate because it is such trouble. 

It's the thought of it that really made me sick to the stomach. The negative feeling soaring through my head was almost all-encompassing. 

What...on...earth...is wrong with me?!

As I was driving back, I was thinking negative thoughts about my ex and about how he got away with all this bull-fucking-shit and all this parenting stuff that comes along after they fuck you and your life over. 

I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone's like that. NOT EVERYONE'S LIKE THAT. There are good people out there. 

For a moment, I understood the insane feeling that serial killers or mass shooters might have experienced, even if it was for a short period of time. For that one insane moment, you hate everyone. Every single person around you for whatever the reason may be. 

It's really quite scary and if you let that feeling take over you, I can imagine what those people might actually believe and proceed to do with such emotions and thoughts. 

I love my kids from here to infinity - they were the people who saved me from self destruction and put me on a path to being a responsible person, and yet, for the day, I wanted to be free. 

I wanted to be me and I was bound to my duty as a parent to be whatever it is that is required of me...instead of being me. 
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