Single Mom Striking Out

I don't have the perfect home. To the contrary, my home is messy and very lived-in. I've considered, as a result, countless times on how to go on a minimalist journey. There are so many fulfilling stories about how people found the courage and resolve to ditch their homes, sell their belongings and traverse their world and live out of a van.  It's the kind of dramatic lifestyle changes that inspires movies, I guess.  Along with the removal of physical clutter, there will rise mental clutters. Old dining room sets that has been with you for eons, the painting that was gifted to you by someone, picture frames, your first musical instrument, your beloved kitchen appliances, bar stools that you've not used for years on end. and a home filled with the nice things  that helped define a successful life. Isn't this how people define how well they've lived their lives? For me, the story is a little different. For close to a year now, I've been trying to ...

Today was interesting because my family went out for a meal to celebrate a few birthdays today. It was delicious and fun! But sometimes, you don't see the things you are supposed to see until someone else points it out. I hate it that I am sensitive to too many things around me, but even I sometimes miss out on signals.  Some people are just better at hiding things behind a smile than others. Until someone tells you a funny thing  about it. Like someone from the family was missing from the birthday lunch today and I thought nothing about it, and even asked after the missing person. A reason was given and I accepted it as logical.  But then, my father, who is older and perhaps more perceptive, said that something might be amiss. There could have been a rough patch.  Mind blown.  Living with someone else is not an easy thing. Living with your own family is a problem on its own. Your brother is annoying, your mother is naggy, your father is obn...

From time to time, I print out useful and touching articles from the internet to be read and then kept for future readings. Today, I reread an article I printed out years ago. It's about a woman who buried her husband only to find out that he had been cheating on her all these while. Her grief took on a new shape and yet, she still yearned for the husband that she thought she had while anger was hanging over her like a dark cloud. There was to be no closure, no confrontation, no explanation, no hacking it out, no way to hold her husband or let him go. She went on a 10-day silent retreat after that, where participants do nothing but meditate and stay silent throughout. Everything that they felt, they were released and thought about in their own silent minds. A lot of people pursue happiness in the form of short term fixes. a night-out with their friends, a joint, a holiday, a new handbag, delicious cheese cake, etc. None of those things stay forever and chasing them over and o...

April 26th... She's gone. Her journey is over. Her fight is finished. My brother and I were to drop by the hospital tonight after work to see her but she couldn't wait. It's funny how you know something is happening but you don't know what is happening at the same time. I sat down in the car crying. Nothing new. But this time it's for real. It's over. I can only take comfort in the fact that she did what she wanted to do in life. See the world, ran marathons, met people, ate, saw movies, held hands and made friends. She's not perfect, we all know that but she is what she is and we are family. We love her for it, despite and because of it. Yes, she didn't deserve to die so young but her journey was over. Whatever mission she set out to do, it's complete.

I posted this picture before I found out bad bad news today. It seems as though my relative is not making it too well with her chemo and the doctor has pretty negative things to say about her condition recently.  Because her body has been taking a beating, they ruled out chemo and trying to find alternatives.  Every time bad things happen, I sit down every single day to pray for them, light an extra joss stick on their behalf and pray.  I am beginning to lose faith in the power of prayer, I have to admit.  I spend nearly 2 months praying everyday, keeping my friend in my thoughts, for her to wake up from her coma. It didn't work. At the same time, I also prayed for my relative's well-being and it looked as if she was fighting back and doing OK-ish.  But it's not really so.  She's been admitted into the hospital and not doing so well. The doctor's preparing everyone for the worst case scenario.  I feel downtrodden because th...

Bad news comes along everyday but last year alone, quite a few bad news struck me. The timing was like a mechanical pendulum. I thought to myself several times that I had enough, that what I needed was a break. A 10 day retreat where I am required to speak to no one, do nothing, listen to silence and nature and just be what I am meant to be.  But real life is not something you can escape for a long period of time. I served my silence....but reality will pendulum-swing back. A friend passed away after being in a coma for a few months. I know both husband and wife and they've always been really positive about handling the toughest of life situations. We may not agree with everything, but we do agree on many. During the time she was unconscious, I prayed every single day. I kid you not.  Her husband would report about her condition, good or bad, and I would either offer thanks or pray for good news and strength. Even during the worst hit moments, I kept the posi...

I am having one of those down days, or month, where everything seems to be falling apart at the same time and funds are running out. I take heart in the fact that along the way, some things got fixed too. But you know...one of THOSE days when everything seems to be working against you. I just have to remember that nothing lasts forever, including bad times and down moments like these. Counting my lucky stars and being grateful for things that ARE right in my life, I shall write an extra 'gratefulness note' tonight and place it into my 'thankful jar'. I have one but I am not consistent about writing them and placing them in the jar. I am just human and am allowed to feel the way I am feeling without the extra weight of guilt. I don't deserve it. Just thinking...people who have never walked a day in my shoes will never understand what I go through. They never will. My son just told me that I am one of the most resilient people in the world. This boy is an amaz...