Single Mom Striking Out

I've had friends, 2.5 of them (the half is because we're not REALLY sure it was - it was a accidental suicide, if you will) take their own lives and up until this very day, one question lingers on. And I don't think it will ever be answered or go away . The fact that we, the loved ones and friends, will never know the reason why they made the decision to end their lives, sucks bad. What if they blame themselves? They could go their entire lives blaming themselves for not just any death, your death; the death of someone they love dearly - Dr. John Peterson Frankly, I don't know who's reading this blog and I am never going to check who does or doesn't. I write this blog just in case it reaches someone, ANYONE. And it's also my personal outlet to let loose what's on my mind, to share it with the rest of the world so that they know that someone else out there is feeling the same feelings. Going through the same shit and trying to not drown. I also thi...

I feel resentful again today. Every time I look at the lives my friends have, I resent the fact that I have to do everything on my own. Everything from cooking to paying the bills, ensuring the kitchen is stocked to making sure the car doesn't break down. Everything. I wonder what I did that was so wrong in my past life to deserve a life like this. Or is it the fact that I brought this onto myself. Or maybe I was living a pampered life before this, therefore, it's even-ing itself out. I wanted to go for a networking event for my business but I had to deal with my kids' lunch before I do. But then because we're all a bunch of lazy asses, we got out of bed late and I had to rush out the door to make it for the event. My kids were sauntering around, worried about nothing, while I was thinking to myself that the event was a great way to introduce myself and my business to other freelancers and businesses. And yet...I decided it was too stressful. My kids were stil...

Today, I'll delve into Buddhism which has kept me going so far, its teachings has taught me how to be sane and kept me alive. So, instead of the usual rant, I'd like to share words of wisdom that I've got from some of the free books that I've gotten from my temple. The books are free and if someone wants them, I'd actually give them away and share the words of wisdom with them. Here's one. It is an excerpt or written at the start of 'You Are Responsible' by K. Sri Dhammananda. You must learn to shoulder the responsibilities of your own life. You have to learn to admit your own weaknesses without blaming or disturbing others. Remember the old saying: "The uncultured man always blame others; the semi-cultured man blames himself; and the fully-cultured man blames neither ." This happens to me a lot, especially when I was younger. When something went wrong, it was because of someone else's doing, nothing was in my control and I felt lik...

Yesterday was Wesak Day, a day that we pay respect to Buddha and the dharma. I did not manage to go to a temple knowing, for one, that the temple would be packed; two, I am under the weather. But I am reminded that to be a good person, human and a proper Buddhist, paying respect to Buddha and his teachings does not require one to make their way to the temple. The temple is right here where you are, where your consciousness and heart is. I have been an awful (in my eyes) Buddhist lately. So many things are happening around me and it is during tumultuous times like these that are faith is tested.  I admit to it being tested. Again and again.  The despair that sometimes overwhelm me makes me wonder if all this 'BS' about being kind, nice, and doing no bad is all there is to life. When people give you a sucker punch, it sucks not to punch back.  So far, I've not hurt anyone and have done pretty well except for consistently punching MYSELF in the face. The h...

Seriously. This is an eye-opener. It goes against every grain in my body to even be apologetic about the things that I've done and said. The words spurting out from his mouth was so vicious, intentionally hurtful, full of hatred, venomous that it just made me wonder what kind of people works with him or are his friends. Like omg. He called me and my kids freeloaders, living like a queen, poor, inadequate, not 'man enough', told me 'welcome to the real world'. Like omg. I guess there are all kinds of people in this world and I shouldn't let one person change the real person that I am. His arrogance and vile behavior was really eye-opening. Really. It made me feel like humanity is gone in this world. There's no kindness and compassion in him at all. He's an empty vessel full of himself and hate. And you know what? Maybe I pity him after all.

What a year it has been. It's taught me so many things about living life in this wild, wild world. It's not as innocent and simple as I want it to be or thought of it. I also have to learn how not to take things personally when people think badly of me. I tend to blame myself for things when someone thinks badly of me.  Inside my head, the self blame is so loud that I find myself degrading myself. Then I lose my self confidence. Honestly, some people say I appear stuck up. In actual fact, it's that I lack so much confidence in myself. I tend to believe what people tell me. Like what my ex said of me living a life of luxury and spend like crazy and that I am useless. I believed that. There's a guy who's after me and I find myself thinking that he's going to find all kinds of faults with me and ditch me. He's not serious and playing around with me, that's all. That's what all guys like him do, anyway. I don't know it for a fact but I kn...