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What a Year It's Been

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What a year it has been. It's taught me so many things about living life in this wild, wild world. It's not as innocent and simple as I want it to be or thought of it.

I also have to learn how not to take things personally when people think badly of me. I tend to blame myself for things when someone thinks badly of me.  Inside my head, the self blame is so loud that I find myself degrading myself.

Then I lose my self confidence.

Honestly, some people say I appear stuck up. In actual fact, it's that I lack so much confidence in myself. I tend to believe what people tell me.

Like what my ex said of me living a life of luxury and spend like crazy and that I am useless. I believed that.

There's a guy who's after me and I find myself thinking that he's going to find all kinds of faults with me and ditch me. He's not serious and playing around with me, that's all.

That's what all guys like him do, anyway. I don't know it for a fact but I know he's not the serious kind.

On another note, some people can be damn cruel. The landlord was saying some of the meanest things that I've ever heard. His words were 'just leave' and 'just go peacefully your own way'. He's tell me to get out of his life/way and he won't cause me pain. And he's told me time and time again that he CAN and WILL cause me pain. A lot of pain and he'll make sure I suffer as much as he can.

That's his threat and warning.

How do I continue staying in this house when the owner is giving these kind of threats? And yet, at the back of my mind, I find myself finding faults with myself. Yes, it's my fault, some of it is warranted, but not everything is.

It's time to take stock and do the best I can with my lot in life and stop blaming not just myself but others.

There isn't a point in doing all of this.

We just need to acknowledge what has happened, how it feels like, take the lesson and move on.
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