Single Mom Striking Out

Since a few years ago, I've had consistent dreams of a 'strange', 'mysterious' or a 'new' home...yes, as in a house. Sometimes it was about the home I used to stay in with my in-laws where my kids were growing up. Sometimes about me in my old home with my parents and siblings. Sometimes about a home I've never seen before. And sometimes about any of the above homes but with secret passageways or rooms. Nearly all those dreams (or nightmares as they can be sometimes) involve some kind of confusion and situations that I'm afraid of. Like my mom not liking my cooking. A new stretch of lawn that was never there. A room I suddenly fell in love with. And this time, it's about a my old-old home that I was forced to live in because I was ousted or thrown out of into the streets. So, I was living there with my little ones (in my dream, they're always at around age 7 or so, in fact, my younger son might have just been a baby in the dream), ...

I know they say assholes are everywhere and that we should not be vengeful about how people treat us because it brings us down to their level. But MAN, OH MAN, OH MAN. What a friggin' challenge that is. Buddha, how on earth did you do this?! Not only did I finally come face to face with someone who discriminated against women (particularly SINGLE MOTHERS), but also someone who was unapologetic about it. He also prides himself as a businessman above all else, instead of...say, being a human being. LOL What a challenge. He probably doesn't like me very much but I did try my best not to react to all the things that he has said to me in the past, and instead, chose the higher road. But he took it as contempt or just me being ignorant and intentionally ignoring him...maybe because of my perceived 'guilt'. Wow. Today, I'll post this as a reminder to all of us who face such people in our lives. There's really nothing we can do when we meet them except to ...

Those predictors were not too far off the mark when they said the year of the pig is not a good year for me. Man, they didn't tell me it was gonna suck so bad. It's final. The woman my ex-husband cheated with on me has finally been accepted into his family home. What really broke me and tore me into pieces was that they disliked me or hated me so much as to not tell me that they was going to be there for the opening of the CNY get-together. They all expected me to sit there and suck it up like nothing happened. Like she was a new friend. That she didn't betray me. Like she didn't harass me when they were fucking around with each other. Like she didn't drag me into her drama while I was struggling to battle my own demons. With her in the picture with the "official family", they're giving me the boot. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my fault, it wasn't me who cheated, I was treated like trash but I hung on, I tried my best, ...

Some people are asshole but maybe it started off with me being a bitch or asshole from the start and their response was in kind. I don't really know because I've been meeting up with some people. Some good, some uncertain, some shit heads. Have a shitty landlord and he's really one of a kind. But I am thinking this could be a result of me being an asshole to his father to begin with. I wasn't an asshole to his father, more like begging for time to adjust to the new place. 2019 is not starting out good so far. Money is tight and my employer is really kind of uncertain. I smell trouble, something he's not telling me outright. It seems that he's got something against hiring me. I just don't know. Just follow my instincts. I think it's also kind of sad that I've been reduced to a young, dreamy person, full of life, and hopeful for everything in front of her...to someone who believes that everyone has an ulterior motive.  I don'...

Except from " Are You Ready for Happiness? - Don't Let the Paper Tiger Scare You Off " by Khenpo Tsultrim Lodro (translated by Lorraine Wu Chen ) Source of suffering How does human suffering arise? Without thorough investigation, many people instinctively think suffering arises from not having money, not having enough to eat, not having warm clothing, etc. Actually, these are only some of the reasons why we suffer: they are not the main reason.  Original Source of Suffering - Clarity and Ocean of Stillness Buddhism occasionally uses the ocean to describe our state of mind, and sometimes the sky and clouds to explain the essence or activities of the mind. Here we draw a parallel between the ocean and our mind.  The clarity of the mind is likened to an ocean surface which is completely still - without sound, waves or ripples, it is calm and peaceful and seemingly empty of time and space.  Note :  Maybe, one day, I will have the calmnes...

I felt sad when Boy 1 asked me after dinner last night if I regretted having kids. We spent the morning discussing and negotiating school fees and the boys were there to watch the whole thing. I know they felt the pinch on my behalf.  But I've never regretted having kids! I never regretted having them as my kids, although I've regretted meeting their father. But that was one of the most inevitable parts of my life. Unexplaineable. As much as he wished he did not meet me, I don't think he regrets having the boys either.  What I regret is not pulling them out of the money-sucking private educational system sooner. I watch as my friends put THEIR kids in public schools and I can't help but envy their timing and decision.  Back then, we had a bit of resources and my ex had a bit of money for it. Things change and here we are, me shouldering the school fees for private schooling in Malaysia. The worst thing is that my work is unstable. I am only a freelancer...

Today feels a little weird. Went back to my in-laws' place, which we don't visit often enough, and made to feel more than a little unwelcomed or like I was causing trouble.  It just felt weird and I can't put my finger on it.  I felt like I was judged. Maybe it's just me or I am just being hormonal about it.  But whatever it is, I just need to keep my head up and as long as it was unintentional and don't know anything about it (because I am blur), there's nothing I can do about it.  The truth is that if someone has problems with me and don't tell me about it (not even a hint), there's really nothing I can do about it. If I knew about it and given the option to change or behave a certain way, I will think about it and see if I can find a middle-way.  But sometimes people just don't want to tell you things. It makes me feel like just a needle.  Well, I made the best out of it. That's all that is required of me, right? Being...