Single Mom Striking Out

I am doing everything alone. I see other people who get to delegate tasks amongst family members and I can't help feeling helplessly jealous that they have each other. It's no wonder I am so damn tired at the end of the day. I am only human.  Be kind to myself if others are not going to be kind or understanding to me. When I was young, I used to be indefatigable. I had this belief that I can be anything I wanted to be...whether it was a banker, singer, a business woman, a writer, a freelance worker without a boss.  I believed all of that and went headfirst into them all...and I am what I wanted to be. I am super proud of that fact.  Now, I just need to find that part of me again and keep that thought in my head. I can be whatever I want to be and just need to focus and continue giving it everything I've got. There's just so much to do - from preparing proposals to sending emails, from attending meetings/interviews to mopping the floor, from prepping...

Please tell me everyone goes through this - when you're really in deep with responsibilities, worries, and anxiety about the future, you tend to be really grouchy, ungrateful and full of complaints.  Today was such a day.  Son 2 was having problems with his computer, Son 1 was trying to get ready for his art exam and need supplies (he's worried and anxious too), and I am worried about my up-and-coming firing from a job that I've been at for the past 13 years.  I felt unappreciated, had to deal with everything on my own, and like my life ended when I met my ex-husband when I was 26.  Honestly, when we were at the mall, I felt like throwing myself off a balcony and just end everything. As I was passing small children in playgrounds, I pitied the parents for thinking that their kids bring joy, and I wanted to even scorn and make the kids cry.  I surprised myself for having so much negativity when I normally love being around children. They have...

Today, we woke up late for classes and I am in such a foul mood. It's not as if we were doing anything strenuous, not as if I had a drink the night before, and it was just a normal day that I signed off work (and after watching a drama) at around midnight. And yet, my kids at age 19 and 17, still don't give a shit about their own stuff and schedule. It is really frustrating when everything falls on my shoulders. It's my fault, I guess, for babying them and always handling everything for them. I know for the rest of the day, my mood is going to be just foul and resentful. Is it normal for me to feel this way? For me to be angry that I was also one of those who did not manage to wake up early for classes? But at some point, the kids would have to be more mindful about their own stuff? Is it me shrugging off my responsibility as a mother? When is enough enough? I am just venting and ranting because I sometimes feel overwhelmed and helpless about this whole 'wakin...

Since a few years ago, I've had consistent dreams of a 'strange', 'mysterious' or a 'new' home...yes, as in a house. Sometimes it was about the home I used to stay in with my in-laws where my kids were growing up. Sometimes about me in my old home with my parents and siblings. Sometimes about a home I've never seen before. And sometimes about any of the above homes but with secret passageways or rooms. Nearly all those dreams (or nightmares as they can be sometimes) involve some kind of confusion and situations that I'm afraid of. Like my mom not liking my cooking. A new stretch of lawn that was never there. A room I suddenly fell in love with. And this time, it's about a my old-old home that I was forced to live in because I was ousted or thrown out of into the streets. So, I was living there with my little ones (in my dream, they're always at around age 7 or so, in fact, my younger son might have just been a baby in the dream), ...

I know they say assholes are everywhere and that we should not be vengeful about how people treat us because it brings us down to their level. But MAN, OH MAN, OH MAN. What a friggin' challenge that is. Buddha, how on earth did you do this?! Not only did I finally come face to face with someone who discriminated against women (particularly SINGLE MOTHERS), but also someone who was unapologetic about it. He also prides himself as a businessman above all else, instead of...say, being a human being. LOL What a challenge. He probably doesn't like me very much but I did try my best not to react to all the things that he has said to me in the past, and instead, chose the higher road. But he took it as contempt or just me being ignorant and intentionally ignoring him...maybe because of my perceived 'guilt'. Wow. Today, I'll post this as a reminder to all of us who face such people in our lives. There's really nothing we can do when we meet them except to ...

Those predictors were not too far off the mark when they said the year of the pig is not a good year for me. Man, they didn't tell me it was gonna suck so bad. It's final. The woman my ex-husband cheated with on me has finally been accepted into his family home. What really broke me and tore me into pieces was that they disliked me or hated me so much as to not tell me that they was going to be there for the opening of the CNY get-together. They all expected me to sit there and suck it up like nothing happened. Like she was a new friend. That she didn't betray me. Like she didn't harass me when they were fucking around with each other. Like she didn't drag me into her drama while I was struggling to battle my own demons. With her in the picture with the "official family", they're giving me the boot. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my fault, it wasn't me who cheated, I was treated like trash but I hung on, I tried my best, ...

Some people are asshole but maybe it started off with me being a bitch or asshole from the start and their response was in kind. I don't really know because I've been meeting up with some people. Some good, some uncertain, some shit heads. Have a shitty landlord and he's really one of a kind. But I am thinking this could be a result of me being an asshole to his father to begin with. I wasn't an asshole to his father, more like begging for time to adjust to the new place. 2019 is not starting out good so far. Money is tight and my employer is really kind of uncertain. I smell trouble, something he's not telling me outright. It seems that he's got something against hiring me. I just don't know. Just follow my instincts. I think it's also kind of sad that I've been reduced to a young, dreamy person, full of life, and hopeful for everything in front of her...to someone who believes that everyone has an ulterior motive.  I don'...