Single Mom Striking Out

It's been a tough year but it's not beaten us yet. I sincerely hope for a better year ahead! Nothing crazy easy or super amazing, just a little easier than before. I wish all sentient beings on this planet, whether you're enjoying a much-needed break with your family/friends, or trying to get ready for the new school year for your children, all the best that the world has to offer.  I am not sure if this is a real quote but I agree all the same.  Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man/woman - Benjamin Franklin All of us have battles to fight, people to face, challenges to overcome, resolutions to meet, children to feed, families or friends to love, and a life of dreams to achieve.  May we never forget the core missions in this life and achieve as many things in those missions as possible in 2018. 

Isn't it funny? Another year is approaching. It seems as though we've only just welcomed the new year, 2017, with fireworks and me, with  an air-filled, aching digestive system.  And yet, here we are. At the threshold of another new year.  Not only have I stopped making new year resolutions but it has been years since I've last earnestly updated my Facebook with a status update. Except for wishing my family and friends an official birthday or a festival, I've almost completely stopped using Facebook.  Amongst all the social networks out there, I think Facebook is the most toxic, not because it was designed to be that way, but because of the sheer number of people there.  People who don't know you but have met you probably don't care about what you post of Facebook but it is the people who KNOW you very well are the ones you should avoid. So, in my personal opinion, if we want to continue building real life relationships with real people in real ...

I am one of those who tell myself that others have it worse than me. I no longer know how to cry or whine. I don't believe it is a weakness, I just think it doesn't serve me and I need to move on instead of dwell. But there is some truth in this statement : letting it out and acknowledging the painful emotion is an important part of the healing process. In not allowing ourselves to be weak forces us to pretend and move on and not giving ourselves the chance to heal. Like a physical wound, emotional ones need space, time and attention as well. This coming year, I'll try to do more acknowledging and less running.

When someone you know decides to end his or her life, there's so much to grieve and question; there's also much to learn. After all the questions, we finally come to terms with their decisions. What's different about an accident and a suicide is that the decision was made by someone you know... Or someone you thought you knew . We know it's not the answer but they sometimes don't see beyond a closed door. There's nothing we can do but to leave our doors open. That's the best that we can do. The rest is really up to them. Our jobs as friends, family and loved ones is to let them know that they are loved, appreciated and we are here for them. Beyond that, it's between them and karma, God and the Universe. There isn't a point for us to intervene because it is not our job to do so. Our job is to be there and let them know. Mental illness continues to be a taboo and I wish one day, it'll be commonly talked about without anyone being judged neg...

... It would have solved a lot of people's problems. I have friends who seems to have all the money, or close to it, that they want or need but does not seem to be happy all the time. So, money is not the solution. And if money was the solution, then there would not be any problems. That's a Chinese saying. Some people belive that money can be earned but happiness can't. Therefore if we have a problem with money, then there's really not a problem if we are willing to work hard and look at all the right places. I don't know, it seems as thought that I have been having money problems for quite some time now. I am not the worst but I wish there was an easier way out. 'My boys and their Love for me will always keep me company, no matter where or who I am with'  That was what I wrote and declared back then but we, parents, need to realize that our kids are not ours and they will have their own  lives when they are bigger. I also thought that I...

Generally speaking, I DO listen to a little bit of Kpop, not always, but when I do, I am almost always enraptured by the countless melodic compositions and ballads. My favorite Korean singer, to this very day, remains to be Sung Si Kyung and Shinhwa. I've also listened to TVXQ, Super Junior, ZE;A and many others. I sometimes search up Girls Generation because I like how the girls' long limbs are almost always so coordinated, they look like clockwork. But that was maybe the problem...the clockwork. Kim Jonghyun, a member of Shinee, took his own life this week, days shy of Christmas and a brand new year. It tears at my heart a little, the same way it did when I found out Chester Bennington ended his own. Shining stars on our planet, blessed with emotional breath so deep that their emotions would often seep out of their skins and spread across the sea of tens of thousands of fans during their concerts and live performances. Even without being in their presence, their songs a...

Sometimes I find myself acting small because I am trying to be humble. Sometimes, however, I find myself doing so because I lack confidence.  It takes very little to watch more than a decade of experience doing what I do crumble into almost nothing...in mere seconds. A word, an action, a perceived thought or through my own imagination, the big wall of experience and confidence becomes bits and pieces of puzzles that I have to put together again.  That's why it's important for us to surround ourselves with people who believe unconditionally in us, to remind us that we're worth everything we think we do. And even when our confidence shatters, our beliefs won't. Even with a smidgen of hope and a little bit of faith, it is just as easy for it to be rebuilt as it was for it to shake and shatter. Rebuild again and again. You are the Universe in ecstatic motion and don't let anyone stop you from thinking so.

I wonder if everyone's moved onto a new chapter without me. It seems so. I wonder if I've been here all this time, thinking that I am being loyal, when others think that I've been such an ass. Maybe. People seems to have moved on to other things in their lives...had another baby, moved home, changed cars, has gotten another job or is blogging for another website. Am I the only one still doing the same thing? Looks like it is so. Am I right or am I wrong? I have no freaking idea. But I think the Universe has sent me messages to move out of my comfort zone. First off, big changes were forced upon me and I still don't know what to do. That's the thing with being alone. Half the time you don't dare to make any drastic move because...you know, it's all on you. But I think in a good way, God is telling me to move my ass. One thing after another, slowly. One step at a time. I hope I am doing it right. If I am not, please give me another chance.

Most of the things that I've dreaded came true in 2016 and 2017 and it's left me (and my kids) in the dark for some time now. The things that I kept trying to push to the back of my mind because it's not happened yet, happened, all within a short span of time. I sit wondering what I have done to deserve it and sometimes find myself a little ungrateful for the things that DID NOT happen.  My son was quick to remind me that things could be worse  and that many others are having an even tougher time . And he's right.  It's been tough, I have to admit but then again, what part of life is NOT tough? It's tough for everyone. It's just that it's now left me completely clueless as to what my next steps are. What am I to do now? Fight back with what? I look skyward asking for answers but in reality, the answer lies in silence and within. As long as I change my perspective about what things are like right now, I could, perhaps, see that it was all hap...

Almost had a panic attack in the middle of driving along a highway last night. I could feel it sneaking up on me but with my personal history, I know too well exactly what it feels like. It's like ants crawling up my arms, my mind going haywire, the start of a faint tremble and the rapid breathing. But with this knowledge, I've also learned how to recognize it, not fight it and continue breathing. Letting it sit down next to me and stop fighting. I know that the moment I try to fight the feeling, that's when it will win and I will have a full-blown panic attack right in the middle of a highway. This could be TERRIBLE ! You don't know when and why it hits you, that's the problem with this disease. It could be brought on by a full busy day, a stressful phone call or just the chocolate ice-cream you just ate. It sucks. But knowing what it feels like makes all the difference in the world. I look back now and know that it was probably brought on by guilt. End 2006 ...

I've never been good at changing of status quo, come to think of it. I prefer to keep things predictable so that I know what to do when something goes wrong. It comes with parenting, perhaps, because parents have to predict and solve so many things on the fly. No notice given, lots of surprises. But since my kids are growing up, I find myself loosening things up a little bit more. Giving myself a shot at making mistakes that nobody can blame me for. I guess I grew up either being blamed or blaming myself. In such instances, avoiding change or unpredictable things becomes number one priority. Like I said, however, my kids are a little more grown now and I feel the power of freedom coming back into my life. Is it for the better? I hope so.

Sometimes, I just don't know where Trump is coming from. Where his views came from and why does he think the rest of the world is out to get America . Instead of helping people understand, love and protect each other, his mission is to destroy every fabric of cultural tolerance and understanding in humankind.  It challenges my belief system, it makes me wonder if I was right to be loving instead of hating, makes me think that I am looking Evil right in the eye...in the form of a picture or through the lens of a camera.  But if it is an indication, it shows that the world still needs much help. That there is a large number of people, not just in the United States, but all around the world, that chooses hate over love. Our work on this planet is being undone by a man who views the world, his allies, as potential threat and enemy. His rhetoric is almost unbelievable when you listen to him talk or have a quick look at his Twitter account.  It makes Christians won...

I've written it somewhere that the ultimate life I wish to live and experience once my kids are grown up is that I can work from anywhere. My work allows me to travel, move around and earn as I go. But I've never really done anything to experience this, hanging onto the fact that I love my home, where I live and I don't want to go anywhere because change is a big hassle.  But there comes a time when there's not much of a choice. The time could be now.  It makes me sad and cautious because I don't like change very much and always prefer status quo. Maybe it's time to change this, to put this to a test, to show myself that I can adapt. In fact, when I was young, change was exciting and something new to look forward to.  As I age, I relish the idea of having a place, a refuge, to call home. Anywhere I am challenged and tired, I return to my refuge and I am comforted. Although I no longer have a bunch of people (a family) to live with, to support me and...

After battling a whole sea of people from morning till late afternoon, it feels great to be home. Sometimes, we forget to be thankful that we have a refuge. A room to rest and relax and lie your head in. A place to eat with your family. Modern amenities for your clothes and space for your clothes-drying. A kitchen to prepare food. A bathroom with running water. A computer to work on. The list of simple things that we sometimes overlook is endless. Everything from friends, family to cars and beds. Once you step into the world where humans are everywhere, you will soon realize that you are merely one of many. And it takes each and every one of you, them, us to make it work. And when I come home to my refuge, and they to theirs, we have to remember to be grateful that we have one.

Most days I wake up remembering to be grateful for what I have. To appreciate the fact that we have never once (well, maybe once or twice) had to live out in the streets, abandoned and almost unforgotten.  Most days. Some days, I make the mistake of comparing my life and my kids' lives (mostly their lives, because I feel sorry for them for having me as a mother) to others and wishing that there were things that I could have done for them.  This morning, my son asked for a new phone case because the phone tend to slip out of his fingers sometimes and he was afraid of it falling out of his hands and breaking. It was a reasonable request. But because I've had several bills and payment reminders in the past, and coursing through my mind was the number of stuff that I have to get from the morning market, I lashed out at him for being high maintenance . In reality, my kids are not really high maintenance. In fact, they're really kind, understanding and rather ...

"Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live." Anonymous  Laughter and love make great partners like salt and pepper; bread and butter; and a bat and ball. Laughter makes one forget the seriousness of the day ; the dark clouds of worry; and the looming regrets of yesterday. Love nurtures the soul; warms the heart and promises the dreams of tomorrow. Bring them together in your relationships today and watch the seeds of sunshine grow. Laugh often and love How easy it is for us to forget to do this...laugh. Because we face everyday challenges, bills to pay, unexpected news, obstacles in life, changes in friendships and love life, work environment and family, we might be carrying around a huge sack of burden on our backs without even knowing we're doing so. It's not that we stop feeling sad or burdened or emotional about things but it is a reminder for us to remember that laughter, happiness, joy and gratefulness is right around the corner too. As ...

The whole Sunday has been about nothing but money.:- a very angry woman I had a car knock-in with probably is in need of money my ex fuming about the state of his life and the need for money, mounting debt and looming legal situation a relative who appears well-to-do but is in actual fact struggling a little with the soon-to-be born second child relatives who warned me about the car installment and reminded me to pay it urgently after a call from the bank, wondering if I have died or decided not to pay for the car (which is not the case. It was simply a little later than usual because of the July 4th weekend) a friend emptying her bank account because she's moving out to a room and leaving behind a house that she's been staying in for more than a decade It was all about money...the having, the needing...the wanting, the making, the having and the control it has over our daily lives.  I try to be Zen and peaceful and all that but sometimes, this quote too close t...

Is loneliness humankind's worst punishment? So says the show that I am watching right now and I wonder if it's true. Do people have to grab whoever, the next best person or someone tolerable and we don't hate too much , just so that we don't have to eat dinner alone, shop alone, visit the doctor alone or sleep alone? Is alone all that bad and is it really the worst curse on the human heart? With that said, everything is always changing, the world is evolving and the table is consistently turning and we've been taught that hanging onto things is quite unwise. Hanging onto people is the same, is it not? Clinging on causes the most pain in the world, says some religious texts, and if that is true, isn't looking for someone just to feel complete a paradox?  I have a friend who is constantly in need of people around him/her and this has to do with her/his current change of status, in terms of relationship and family. So, his/her complaint of being too al...

Something happened a few days ago that made me feel really touched. The purest of hearts and the most genuine of intentions sometimes show you that the world isn't as harsh or stressed or cruel as you think it can be.  While it is something that I might have found offensive in the past, an insult to a certain extent, when viewed with a tinge of reality, it touches you even if it's not enough to solve your problems or to relieve your pain. The pure intention is touching.  The thought that someone thought of you or someone you love. The thought that you, your kids or your family, mean something important to another, shows that you have made an impact in this world and that they think they want you around enough to make an effort to keep you.  Let this serve as a reminder that not everything is bad in this world. Sometimes, things suck but when you let the sweet outweigh the suck, hey, you know what? The world isn't such a mean-ass fucker, after all.  ...

Shedding of past but not forgetting... Sometimes I feel like I am held down by my past, some events, some things that was done and over with, I feel like they've shaped me and defined my actions. But that's what being human is like, doing things that we cannot undo, saying things we cannot unsay.  So, the best thing to do is to shed it. Say thank you , good bye .  By tomorrow, we will have to shed today too. Knowing that someday, it all will kind of make more sense than it does now.

Just because I make so much effort to be nice to people, to be understanding, to be nice to people, it doesn't mean that I am perfect. It also does not mean that despite my own efforts, people will do the same to me.  Been told some harsh realities this morning and as much as it was a mutual outburst, the finality, the crushing words, the ' this is reality, face it ' tone of voice, really makes me feel like the bubble that I've been living in and trying to protect has burst open.  The world is not a fair place, nor is it always a nice one. That's the reality.  Maybe I've been the kind of person who deserves such a treatment because I am different  or too sensitive  or simply too head in the clouds . Is that wrong? Is it wrong to be positive and hope for the best?  Maybe now, as in this case, it is shown that my world is a really fragile one. My thoughts are too inward and I should expand. 

How does Trump do it? Really, how DOES he do it? As a person who reads consistently to talks, online seminars, logical TedTalks and Buddhist talks, they always serve as a reminder to me to be aware of the Ego, to not be consumed by it and try not to let it lead the decisions that I make in life.  When Ego gets in the way, you're excluding yourself from many good (and some bad, admittedly) things in life but as a little bit of an optimistic person, I try to look at the fact that there MAY be more good out there than bad.  But how does Trump focus so much on himself, his wealth, his name, his brand, his popularity, his wins, his achievements and his own accomplishments to be sitting there in the Oval Office still? Sometimes I wonder if all those talks and the people I've listened to have been wrong after all.  If focusing on yourself so much is wrong, how did and does Trump do it? In his rallies, over and over again, he emphasizes on his own wins, the p...

Why do I feel guilty for feeling something I know that is almost completely natural? Is something wrong with me? Am I overly sensitive again or am I just living in my own bubble? Am I OK to the world, is the world OK to me? Am I just immersed in ONE person, one GROUP or just living in my own mind-bubble? Letting others determine whether you are living your life right or not should not be the way. Everyone has his or her way of living their lives, and just because one person does not see it the way you do, does not mean that YOU are wrong, or she/he is wrong. There is no right or wrong. There's just you...and them...and us...all trying to live and survive in this messy world. Everyone has wars and battles that they are not showing. Well, some show it more than others but everyone has his or her own ghost. Should our battles intertwine, then we should help each other in ways that we can or can afford to, in time and in money. But if we can't, then there is to be no blame. B...

After all that fighting with the first week of meds, I finally feel like I am slightly more human and I can even consume food without throwing up anymore! It's a big celebration at the dinner table, it's a big celebration in the room and it's also a big celebration on the inside of me.  Taking care of myself has never been as important as last month when the sickness took over every single aspect of my life, every second of my life, and every ounce of my energy. When you're well, it's OK to fight all the way to planet Pluto and back  because you have it together. But when you're sick, there's nothing more humbling than your body telling you that you absolutely CANNOT.  Being this way has everything to do with being a single mother. Being alone or lonely was never much of an option for me and that has to do with the way I was brought up and the way I grew up. I had to fasttrack a lot of things and many times, when I failed, I had to pick everything u...

I've been thinking a whole lot about my past failures. The times I agitated and pissed of (or were pissed of by) others, the ties I've severed. The people I've said fuck you  to, the people I've asked to leave my life, the people whose lives I've left, and the people who I knew did more harm to my life than good.  I've also thought about my life as a teenager, a young adult, the pain that I've probably unconsciously inflicted on the people around me, my parents, my ex-boyfriends, my co-workers, my ex, my kids, my in-laws, everyone.  Maybe I just feel sad because there's something at the back of my mind that I can't solve. It's a situation that I find myself stuck in because no matter how Wonder Woman  I think I am or can be, it's beyond me.  I look to God and I look to Karma, I look to the Sky, the Universe for answers and for months, an answer is not forthcoming. God cannot solve financial problems, only humans can.  I keep ...

Sometimes the need to find an answer is overwhelming when it comes to your loved ones, isn't it? Anyone who is a parent will know this better than anyone else. The sudden demise. The unanswered questions. The unending personal debate about whether it was your fault. The devil that sits on your shoulder, consistently telling you things that your mind wants to forget.  There are various stages of loss:- First, you deny   it Then you're furiously angry that it happened or things are not going your way You bargain for another answer...any OTHER better answer to the insane things that are going through your head You sink into the deep dark hole of depression and refuses to see anyone or answer any other questions. You refuse consolation or comfort of any kind.  And then finally, you accept that things happened and it's not going to change any time soon, no matter what you did.  I know this personally when my friend committed suicide and although I was nev...

Sometimes, we need reminders. Even ones that sounds so mundane and repetitive. Maybe even things that you hear from your mother a million times before, maybe even things that your kids can repeat back to you. We need reminders because sometimes we forget.  I've always felt a little guilty about not being able to bring my kids for overseas trips when their friends are visiting Japan, Hong Kong, Florida and the likes. I don't say it outloud but deep inside, I feel the guilt. Eight years ago, I was making a fair bit of money and did not need to pay for as many things so, I was capable of saving some money every month.  I saved enough to bring my kids, then 7 and 5, to Hong Kong Disneyland. That's the furthest that I've ever brought them and also the last time we've ever used their personal passports. Their friends also sometimes have the latest gadgets and the more up-to-date computers and games and I feel a pang of jealousy on my kids' behalf.  I wish...

Sometimes you just don't know what is happening in someone else's mind. You just don't so, you're going to have to accept what comes out of their mouths and actions.This week has been kind of confusing and bad for me over here.  First off, I've been sick. Made into clinic and hospital a few times because of recurring bouts of vomiting and gastric. This is, as said, is a recurring problem that I will have to find the source of soon enough. My mom is worried and I should do something about it.  Second, I was dissed even when I was sick. It could have been something I said or did during the course of the few hours but maybe because I was in such pain, I am not aware of what it was. Sometimes, it is like this - something you said or did had an effect on someone and they don't say anything about it. Instead, they lash it out on you the only way they know how. Bottom line is, they were hurt. Either that or they were in pain.  Pain and fear or hurt-feeling...