Single Mom Striking Out

I am struggling to feel more grateful about what's being done in this house. I am currently in the process of selling off my home, and am living in a rented property right now. It's the first time I am doing this with my kids in tow. The landlord here is aggressive about enhancing this property for the benefit (1) of raising the value of his place; (2) for the renter's better living condition. But honestly speaking, I am a very private kind of person. I appreciate my privacy and peace of mind. I don't need many needs in life, a simple woman with simple needs. And the landlord insisting on 'improving the property' with renovations and makeovers is driving me insane. There's dust everywhere, renovators are basically in my face all the time, and the landlord insists on invading my privacy. In fact, I feel that there's a security breach of some kind. But if I were to look at it from another point of view, I should be grateful that I somehow get to en...

Not sure what's going to happen but I've changed the name of this blog. This is because some friends are really good at stalking people and hunting down private information of their friends. I've seen her/him do it on occasions to other people. As online as I always am, I've never done that kind of stalking. The scariest thing about these kinds of people is that they use whatever information that they find to talk behind the subjects' backs. As fodder and gossip. Maybe that's why people should use caution when posting personal information on the internet. Anyway, for now, this blog will be about my journey as a person, as a single mother, as a woman striking out in this world. As a person trying to find herself again. You can also say that I am 'newly' single in this world although I am no longer actively looking for my 'other half'. I'm jaded . It's hard for a jaded person to find someone to love, or someone who loves them. Wha...

...I would not be alive today. They are the reasons I continue to fight the everyday challenges that I face. There are really no other reasons for me to continue surviving and enduring the fest that I face. I think I've used up all the joy and happiness during the first 1/3 of my life.

This place is devoid of the past. Suffice to say, the old home was familiar, comforting and a refuge for me and my little boys. It's where we grew older and (hopefully) a little wiser. It's where changes happened - good and bad - and we will never go back to what we were before.  I think we're starting to become more comfortable here in this new place. By title, it may not be ours per se. But it is our temporary home on this earth.  It is up to us to make it home, and home is where you are most comfortable and are surrounded by people you love. If you read the previous entries, there's apprehension right from the get-go. I didn't really want to make the move. I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later, but to take that leap was a tough one.  But in the end, it HAD to happen and it did.  At least now, I have what I never had before (although my air-conditioning and some of the basic things are not exactly the way I want it), which is natura...

...for the sheer number of years that I've spent with my head clouded with hangovers, I really never thought I'd say that I hate the feeling. Finally opened the bottle of white wine my former neighbor gave me before we left the old home and had it while watching a show. It was a nice feeling. But I hated the feeling the next day. The anxiety. The shakiness. The uncertainty. The headache. The inability to string my thoughts together. There were moments when I sat down with my eyes closed, wondering to myself how I did this before. Not for years, but for more than a decade. For more than 10 years, I often woke up with a clouded head. It's coming to 2 years since I've decided to turn the tables around. There are days when I still drink with friends, myself and with neighbors. I would, however, say that it has become more of a social obligation than anything else. I enjoy the short few hours of bravado and excitement and then wake up the next day with my head splitt...

Today was my version of Thanksgiving where the family got together and a fight occurred out of nowhere. #lol The person's not me, of course, but it serves as a reminder that no matter how long ago some incident has been, some wounds just wont heal. Either they won't heal or they're easy to dig up. It's easy to say that we all have to look forward to tomorrow and learn from yesterday, sometimes, it's hard. No matter how positive people try to be at all times, like me, slivers of the past remains. Although it's easy to continue to soldier on and look forward to tomorrow, it doesn't take a lot for the past to rear its ugly head. This was precisely what happened to my parents today. The little-little things that my father thinks is forgotten (for him) and bygone, it remains an issue with my mom. I find myself standing a little on my mom's side on this one for a simple reason: I've seen how big the scar is. It just goes to show that there's ...

I miss my old home now. Maybe I am just being emo now, hormones or something, but there's were so many things I took for granted when I was there. It feels like a downgrade at the moment. But the kids are happy with their new spaces at the moment. They don't see beyond just having a place to sleep, play, come home to, and eat. That's the way kids are It's the adults who have to worry about all the 'other stuff'. We are adjusting well, otherwise. I have to learn to be more fluid and tougher. I had a very shielded life and I was extremely comfortable. But now things have changed. Learning to live with a little bit of frustration and difficulty strengthens people. That's what they say. The process may not be smooth but at least we are together and we are safe. Be thankful and grateful for the small things in life, that's my self reminder.

First time blogging from the new home. This is kind of epic for me because it's been more than 10 years since we've ever woken up in a new place. We don't travel much and have a routine so steely that we get a little unsettled when it veers off course. Our old home, when we first moved on was, of course, just as messy, but we had the advantage of an interior designer clearing the path for us before we even stepped foot in the home. From the moment they started laying down the tiles to the moment we slept there for the first time, we had the advantage. This time is so bloody different. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, had to start from ground up. And this is the mess right now. We'll get used to this. It may take weeks or months, though. For one, I am not familiar with living in a home that does not belong to us. We've been lucky to own the homes we lived in. No landlord to answer to. As kind and nice as this landlord is, he's kind of overbe...

We are leaving. Really leaving. It's sad and heartbreaking but we have had enough time to face this devil. Maybe it's not even a devil. It's just a transition to something else, be it good or bad. But it's one thing for sure: growth and expansion. You know how some brides and grooms have running-away thoughts before their wedding day? Yeah, I am facing them right now.  I have doubts that we will be comfy in the new place, that I made a big mistake, and that I should have rented a condo instead. But you know what? What's done is done. I only have to face the consequences of my decisions and go with the flow, fix what needs fixing and make sure we can fit in as quickly as possible. Yes, there's much to be done and it's going to take time and money but it's all going to be ok. We just need to slowly adjust to the new circumstances. This is not the first time I've moved home. But it's the first time we are moving as three grown people...

I don't always believe or use these cards but the chances of them coming out the way they did was a bit freaky because it answered my questions. We're making some transitions and one of the things that I am worried about is safety. Are we going to be safe? We are also going to miss so many things we are used to. I feel unsafe! But these cards are comforting. I am going to keep them in this order to remind and calm myself. It's ok. Have faith and confidence. My loved ones and I am protected and loved.

With the boys approaching different junctures in their lives, I am finding things a little disorientating. More time spent planning, fretting, worrying, talking and on the road. They are still going to the same school so the morning and afternoon route is the norm. Now that they're splitting up, I am facing a shit storm ahead. There's going to be hell on my schedule and I am going to device a method so that I can get work done. I've still got to work and bring in the bread. That's the problem. In other luckier families, one person is usually assigned to doing this. As a single parent, all of it lies on my shoulder. It's hard. I know nothing in life is easy but being a single parent is one of the hardest thing to do in life. Was it a choice? Yes and no. Yes, it was the better option. No because 2 people in this gig is better than 1. But I will take this in my stride and do the best that I can. That's all that this universe can ask from me. Everything else is ...

Remember to keep your appointments with Here and Now. They won't come again. This rings particularly true these days with my mind flying off in many different directions within the span of seconds. It's like a puddle of mush in here, sometimes.  Sometimes it feels like "yeah! I'm excited" and other times, I feel like "Gosh, I am so under water! Help". Things are taking on a new turn these days and not a lot of people, friends and family especially, know about the amount of stress this is putting on me. I feel like no one's going to understand, or they are just going to swipe my feelings left and leave me feeling like a small child being dismissed. This is what my family make me feel, with the exception of a few people, of course. I am not going to name names. XD Trying to keep things as positive as possible and reminding myself with quotes like the one below keeps me sane (not for very long, though, but helps, nevertheless).  Be li...

Have I stopped believing the best in people? I was having a chat with my 4 year old nephew in the car while I was sending him home from school. The runs are usually made by my dad but some days, his schedule bombs and I kick in. It doesn't happen a lot but I have been picking up and dropping kids in and out of school for 18 years, this is a walk in the park. Apart from the fact that thank God he recognizes me as his aunt and not a potential serial killer , he's also a very aggressively curious kid. I don't come into close contact with my nephews much except for birthday dinners and stuff. But even during the short ride home, there's this innocence about him that is so refreshing. The trusting nature of children is like a banana in a pile of blackberries. Refreshing. They are not afraid to ask and they believe your answer. He asked me if one of the traffic lights was 'old' and I said 'as old as a dinosaur'. He believed me. Literally. Becaus...

I've been staying in this place for the past 10+ years and we are to be moving out and selling this place soon. To say that we are not kind of uncomfortable is an understatement. We have grown so accustomed to our place that everything works like clockwork. We know where everything is and how things work around here. And yet life throws you challenges. My kids are going to be needing funds for their education a car, business whatever it is that is written in their future. I don't know how people do it. My ex is like 'no big deal' and I am like it's a freaking big deal! 😢😂 I knew this house was gonna go because I held on so long because of this very moment: the moment I enter a new phase and the kids need money for college or whatever. I knew that. That's why Buddhists teach you not to attach. A house is a house is a house. It's not a home. A home is where you and your family are. A home is where you are comfortable, your refuge, ...

Nothing is perfect. It's always a trade off for good and bad things because you can't have everything in life. We need to pick and choose.

... But you can be sure that I was never like this. I did not start off stuffy and buttoned-up. I was a Freewheeling teenager with all the bustamoves you can imagine. I was reckless, free-spirited, followed my heart and dreams. I did what I wanted. Until one day, I walked into someone who told me I was the most awful person he has ever met. He made me feel like trash. And I believed him and tried to change and prove him wrong. In the events that followed, I changed. I never wanted to change. I wanted to be the free-spirited person that I was before. But here I am. A changed spirit. And now, the challenge. Can I change back to being myself?

When the mind acknowledges a sound as a sound, a feeling as a feeling and taste as taste, we have achieved the mind of buddho . This is the ultimate type of mind we all want to achieve in order to have peace. You know when was the hardest time I've had with this? When my neighbors were renovating. Like omg! Lol True story and I am sure I am not alone in this  But the quote from Ajahn Chah is true. It's when you learn how to be stuck in a traffic jam, acknowledge it as a traffic jam, without being sucked into absolutely abhorring the traffic jam that your mind is truly at peace.  That's what we should all aim to be, isn't it?

These days, it really feels like no matter what I do, it's never gonna be enough. I do my best but prayers are not enough, being nice is not enough, being kind and empathetic is not enough. Financially, how am I supposed to do this? I feel like doing it alone is the hardest way forward. Shouldering everything myself, I fall into despair. I start comparing myself to others whose lives are better. They have support, I don't. Should I ask? If I do, I know the answer anyway. I am trying to keep things a little bit more positive right now. I am fighting back depressing thoughts and negative comparisons with other people's lives. What did I do wrong to face such seemingly insurmountable financial crisis alone? It's one of those days.

Taking things day by day is the only way. We have no idea what's gonna happen next. The kids are all growing up in different directions, tackling on and taking in different things that will shape THEIR future, not ours. We are finally taking the backseat, this time. Whatever's done is done. There's no going back. It's a new 'starting line'.

I went into relationships trying to cure people. Make them something better or help them without knowing that the percentage is really low. It means starting off on the wrong footing at the starting line, and it is usually the wrong footing.  If you start off not loving or respecting each other from the start, chances are, it's not going to happen. When will we learn?

Lol. Whenever the kids are off with their friends or dad (which is what's happening right now), I just wonder what I'd do with myself. It's time, I guess, to find myself again. As a mother, a single mother, your world would often revolve around just making everything as 'alright' as possible for the people you're responsible for. Your kids.   It's been 18 years now that I've been thrown into the parenting mix. At first, scared and unsure. Then a little more informed. Then frantic, chaotic, anxious, tumultuous, then calm, reassuring...and then things change.  Nothing stays permanent, says the Buddha. The only thing permanent and consistent in life is change.  It's time I rediscover myself. To go on a journey to rediscover that little girl who was so cock-sure she had everything under the thumb only to land in the unknown and terrifying world of parenting.  It's time to change. 

I know I am a little somber these days but at least I am sober. Considering the events that have rolled out so far this year, it bears mention that I am looking at life a little differently than before.  Compared to when I was younger, when I was more invincible, reality is more stark than ever. Maybe it is a mid-life crisis. I don't know. 

I still can't believe it.  Here is a man who has it, had it all. A writer with a sharp mind, unforgiving words, formidable vocabulary, unrelenting truths, unwavering honor to life, dedication to good food, curiosity about different cultures and the willingness to traverse where no other man was willing to.  And here is a man who decided that life was no longer worth living .  He is a man I respect with no exceptions. He won me over with his unshakeable confidence and an inside look into a dysphoria unknown to the rest of us common folks. I was into every word he had to say, every minute of his shows, ever since I read Kitchen Confidential. Here was someone I wanted to write and be like. He called Mr. Bourdain “the leader, the author, the TV entertainer, the visionary - Olivier Nasti, chef I've had this happen to me before in real life and the circumstances around it will become clearer as the days go by. One by one, reality will strike. Truth ...

I don't have the perfect home. To the contrary, my home is messy and very lived-in. I've considered, as a result, countless times on how to go on a minimalist journey. There are so many fulfilling stories about how people found the courage and resolve to ditch their homes, sell their belongings and traverse their world and live out of a van.  It's the kind of dramatic lifestyle changes that inspires movies, I guess.  Along with the removal of physical clutter, there will rise mental clutters. Old dining room sets that has been with you for eons, the painting that was gifted to you by someone, picture frames, your first musical instrument, your beloved kitchen appliances, bar stools that you've not used for years on end. and a home filled with the nice things  that helped define a successful life. Isn't this how people define how well they've lived their lives? For me, the story is a little different. For close to a year now, I've been trying to ...

Today was interesting because my family went out for a meal to celebrate a few birthdays today. It was delicious and fun! But sometimes, you don't see the things you are supposed to see until someone else points it out. I hate it that I am sensitive to too many things around me, but even I sometimes miss out on signals.  Some people are just better at hiding things behind a smile than others. Until someone tells you a funny thing  about it. Like someone from the family was missing from the birthday lunch today and I thought nothing about it, and even asked after the missing person. A reason was given and I accepted it as logical.  But then, my father, who is older and perhaps more perceptive, said that something might be amiss. There could have been a rough patch.  Mind blown.  Living with someone else is not an easy thing. Living with your own family is a problem on its own. Your brother is annoying, your mother is naggy, your father is obn...

From time to time, I print out useful and touching articles from the internet to be read and then kept for future readings. Today, I reread an article I printed out years ago. It's about a woman who buried her husband only to find out that he had been cheating on her all these while. Her grief took on a new shape and yet, she still yearned for the husband that she thought she had while anger was hanging over her like a dark cloud. There was to be no closure, no confrontation, no explanation, no hacking it out, no way to hold her husband or let him go. She went on a 10-day silent retreat after that, where participants do nothing but meditate and stay silent throughout. Everything that they felt, they were released and thought about in their own silent minds. A lot of people pursue happiness in the form of short term fixes. a night-out with their friends, a joint, a holiday, a new handbag, delicious cheese cake, etc. None of those things stay forever and chasing them over and o...

April 26th... She's gone. Her journey is over. Her fight is finished. My brother and I were to drop by the hospital tonight after work to see her but she couldn't wait. It's funny how you know something is happening but you don't know what is happening at the same time. I sat down in the car crying. Nothing new. But this time it's for real. It's over. I can only take comfort in the fact that she did what she wanted to do in life. See the world, ran marathons, met people, ate, saw movies, held hands and made friends. She's not perfect, we all know that but she is what she is and we are family. We love her for it, despite and because of it. Yes, she didn't deserve to die so young but her journey was over. Whatever mission she set out to do, it's complete.

I posted this picture before I found out bad bad news today. It seems as though my relative is not making it too well with her chemo and the doctor has pretty negative things to say about her condition recently.  Because her body has been taking a beating, they ruled out chemo and trying to find alternatives.  Every time bad things happen, I sit down every single day to pray for them, light an extra joss stick on their behalf and pray.  I am beginning to lose faith in the power of prayer, I have to admit.  I spend nearly 2 months praying everyday, keeping my friend in my thoughts, for her to wake up from her coma. It didn't work. At the same time, I also prayed for my relative's well-being and it looked as if she was fighting back and doing OK-ish.  But it's not really so.  She's been admitted into the hospital and not doing so well. The doctor's preparing everyone for the worst case scenario.  I feel downtrodden because th...

Bad news comes along everyday but last year alone, quite a few bad news struck me. The timing was like a mechanical pendulum. I thought to myself several times that I had enough, that what I needed was a break. A 10 day retreat where I am required to speak to no one, do nothing, listen to silence and nature and just be what I am meant to be.  But real life is not something you can escape for a long period of time. I served my silence....but reality will pendulum-swing back. A friend passed away after being in a coma for a few months. I know both husband and wife and they've always been really positive about handling the toughest of life situations. We may not agree with everything, but we do agree on many. During the time she was unconscious, I prayed every single day. I kid you not.  Her husband would report about her condition, good or bad, and I would either offer thanks or pray for good news and strength. Even during the worst hit moments, I kept the posi...

I am having one of those down days, or month, where everything seems to be falling apart at the same time and funds are running out. I take heart in the fact that along the way, some things got fixed too. But you know...one of THOSE days when everything seems to be working against you. I just have to remember that nothing lasts forever, including bad times and down moments like these. Counting my lucky stars and being grateful for things that ARE right in my life, I shall write an extra 'gratefulness note' tonight and place it into my 'thankful jar'. I have one but I am not consistent about writing them and placing them in the jar. I am just human and am allowed to feel the way I am feeling without the extra weight of guilt. I don't deserve it. Just thinking...people who have never walked a day in my shoes will never understand what I go through. They never will. My son just told me that I am one of the most resilient people in the world. This boy is an amaz...

Life is not a competition. There is no award at the end of the day. If you win something at the end of this journey, it is experience, lessons, insights and memories. All we need to do is to be the better and best version of ourselves. No one else can dictate or tell you what to do with 'life' because it is your journey. Accept that people will judge and then keep your head up, move on. I sometimes feel sorry for my kids for being their mom but you know what? There's nothing to be sorry about.

I was just chit-chatting about how sometimes we need a helping hand in life. A large part of my life, I've been independent and single-minded....and maybe a little over-confident and stubborn. #lol It is exactly these qualities that stopped me from asking for help when I need them.  When I had my kids, THAT was when I needed it the most and suffice to say, I got none from an ex who thought nothing good about me, and from parents I have quite obviously pissed off because of my over-confident decisions in life.  The thing is that I have been taught, most of my life, that I have to be independent. I have to be self-sufficient. Study, work hard, make money and then stand on your own two feet.  This sounds a lot like what most Asians parents will tell you, huh? Well, then you're familiar with this, then. What truly broke me, however, was marrying someone who saw me as nothing but a piece of meat that was taking up too much unnecessary space on this pla...

Every single day.... People have no idea what it feels like to be a single parent...whether you're a mom or a dad. Especially when you don't have a support system.  Considering the questions that I have been asking myself lately which includes:- Am I lonely? Am I too picky? Am I too cocky? Am I too obnoxious? Am I too self-absorbed? Am I too family-focused? Am I neglecting myself? Do I need a man? Do I WANT a man? What kind of fun would I like to have as a person, as the little girl that I used to be, the fun-loving teenager and brazen adult? What if money wasn't an issue with this family? What am I missing as a human, as a person? I've been told that I should focus on myself and throw caution to the wind. Have fun, there is no better time to have it all than RIGHT NOW. Forget about everything and just let it go.  Can I ? What about the bills? What about the food, the kids and their upbringing? Would it be better with a man arou...

Someone said something really degrading to me the other day which I think was meant to be a compliment. It made me feel cheap and like a sex object. Why do people do this? I am more than a vagina. I didn't live my whole life trying to attract men to sleep with me. In fact, I have gone out of my way to NOT do that because that is not what I want. I have been through enough to KNOW that is not what I want and yet, why do men still do that? Is sex all they think about? Or is it a result of what I project? In fact, my neighbor and his friends (and a former neighbor) just wanted me to sleep with the behind their wives' back. Do I look that desperate? Maybe I should dress a little better? If that is what it takes, then I will do it! Seriously! Just so that men will stop thinking I am desperate for sex which I am not. But maybe I shouldn't react to it. I rarely give first reactions these days. I always wait a few days after hearing something something from...

Had a horrible start of the day with my Dinosaur Boy and it was a nose-to-nose argument. I maintained my position as THE boss of this house and I want to do so because I am paying all the bills. Not to mention the fact that I freaking gave birth to him .  He has to understand and respect that. But he's maintaining his right to get angry at me for my responses.  These are difficult positions to maintain for a teenage boy and his mother.  So, in this house, it was definitely a rainy day. It was STORMING and I wanted to walk out of the house and never come back! Driving away from the house felt liberating. I am ashamed to feel this way but I shouldn't. There's no shame in that because most parents will feel this at one point of their lives. If they have not, they've either not been around much or are lying. But like every rain, ☔ it ends. It has to end because it is not possible to rain forever. No matter what it is or was, he is my Dinosaur Boy. Forev...

We often wait for the right time to do things. We try to prepare. Is there a right time to do things? To do ANYTHING? I find myself pausing, thinking that what is out there is unknown. It's scary and I am not ready. But are we EVER ready completely? I've heard it a thousand times over that I should take the leap and honestly speaking, as a youth, I was really good at taking the leap. I wasn't afraid of anything because I thought I knew what to do. Of course I walked into walls. But I continued walking anyway . That's the bravado of the young. Now that I have children and am significantly older, the pausing has become longer. There is no right time to do anything. Anything in life can snap and be taken away from us without notice, anyway. So, if we think about it, what's the point of pausing and waiting for the right time again? In reality, the time may never come. Anyone can talk about it, I know, and it makes sense. But when you're ...

The world tells us lots of stories all the time. Some of them are painful, as with the recent Florida shooting. How are we to sit there meditating and feel at peace with ourselves and the world? This article tells us something simple. If you find a parking spot, do you sit there and hang out, or do you get out of the car to your intended destination? You don't have to hang out with the bad things you experience and you don't have to hang out with the good either. You just need to reach there, get out and move on. Tomorrow, you'll need to find a new parking spot. https://www.lionsroar.com/how-could-meditation-feel-peaceful-after-a-mass-shooting/

Life is fleeting and we have a finite number of days, finite number of hours, finite number of minutes and finite number of seconds in this world. We have to choose how we react, accept and battle each thing that comes our way. We can't fight all of them because that's not what we are meant to do. We don't know when it is our time to go and there's no time to worry about what everyone thinks of you. Only the important ones deserve your attention and time. Choose wisely.

I was listening to a Buddhist podcast today about 'polygamous marriage'. Yes, a monk talking about marriage. Get that. But there was a lot of sense made there. For one, impermanence and loving yourself. I've had a friend who boasts of self love to me consistently. Even when I am not asking, she would insist that she loves herself. But she is not capable of being BY HERSELF. I am not speculating or condemning anyone but this is a fact that I know first hand. Anyway, the monk highlighted something that truly made sense to me. If you love yourself, you don't have to be with anyone. But when you ARE in a relationship, you are more capable of appreciating the person instead of needing the person. This makes for a stronger relationship because you don't take things for granted. Every single day with this person is a bonus. So when things end (and in his words, it WILL end and it is not going to be 'end up in heaven together at the same time' )...

The wonderful effects of hugging is exponential. It's like a pain relief, and a way to reconnect or connect with another human being. That's why it is a must for me to hug my kids everyday. People can say anything that they want to say about me as a parent because it is their right. But I will never stop showing my kids affection. A part of me also acknowledges the fact that one day they might, they MIGHT, not need as many hugs from me anymore. They would have other 'people' in their lives to provide the comfort. So, I would rather claim my fair share of hugs now than feel the regret of never having hugged my kids more later on in life. Hugging is therapeutic. I hope we all do it more.

I have a ton of free Buddhist books that I have received from the temple. They are free to take. But it's books and information are encouraged to be shared and passed on. So, today, I'll share something from Venerable Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda. " Man must be strong enough to know when he is weak, brave enough to encounter fear, proud and unbending enough in honest defeat, humble and gentle in victory"

I've talked about the changing world and our circumstances here in the past and said that change can be good, surprising, painful, a learning curve. But one of the hardest thing about change is changing yourself to suit the new challenges. When something changes, you can't remain 100 percent the person that you are today. Therefore, we need to change along with it. A new route. A new way of life. A new thought. A new perspective. A new problem and new solutions. The hard part about it is not in changing something in your life. It's in changing yourself. A divorce, a new job, a new home. It requires adjustments and it is in these new adjustments that we are sometimes most uncomfortable with. It's ok to be a little uncomfortable yet optimistic about the new things in life. If one thinks about it the way one learns to work a new toy or electrical equipment we just bought, we'll think of it as fun discoveries. Challenges can be fun discoveries yet pai...

My life is so full of everything that I treasure and love that I don't really have time for other people..... In particular, a soul mate. Seriously, someone asked me the other day if I was 'in love' as if I have someone in my life. Although there are people in my life and some are interested but I find it absolutely tiring and frustrating. It is like I have to 'deal with' another person, as if my life is not already full right now. I love my kids but being a single mother is tough stuff and people sometimes assume that we 'just need a little love/sex'. Er.... No. Far from it. What I need is a lot more space for myself. I know I have the kids right now and I don't feel lonely, there are people promising me that my life will change drastically when they grow up, but at this point, I just want to trust my gut. If I feel like someone can enrich my life with love and encouragement, then I will trust my gut. If I feel that someone is simply fooling around...

Ever since the kids started attending this new tuition center, we've had to adjust our schedule and sleeping hours. I've had to prepare lunch for them to take to school too because there isn't a canteen in school like before. So, it means waking up early in the morning to prep the food and lunch boxes.  Because of this I've also stopped drinking at night. And this has been life-changing.  I can't have a drink before I sleep because waking up at 6am would, then, be close to impossible.  However, it is absolutely so refreshing to wake up early in the morning to greet the sun as it creeps up in the horizon. To be awake to hear the birds chirping away their morning greetings, to hear the cock crow in the distance, to smell the untainted morning air, to watch as the buildings from afar come alight.  With that said, it's Friday today and you know what that means? A day I permit myself a drink or two! Yay! Throughout 2017 and now, I've learned ...

Heard from Hugh Jackman and his interview in The Greatest Showman and it resonated with me. Unfortunately, I sometimes berate myself for being overly sensitive , for taking things personally  or for being emotional .  These are remnants from my childhood and teenage years when people would often chide me for being over-reactionary.  I agree that I DO overreact sometimes but it doesn't make my feelings less important. Being yourself is, at the most crucial points in your life, your salvation. It's tiring trying to be someone else.  Never apologize for what you feel. It's like saying sorry for bring real I think the biggest lesson we would have to learn in life is to be ourselves without feeling sorry for it . Whenever you feel sorry for feeling something, sit back and tell ourselves that it's perfectly fine. You wouldn't and shouldn't have it any other way. Smile and accept your feelings just the way they are.  People can say the meanes...