Single Mom Striking Out

My dreams were dashed but I refuse to back down because I believe in myself. I did not come this far just to come this far. I am going further, hoping that the next journey will be the right path. I am deeply disappointed because I thought they threw me a lifeline and all I did was do what I have always been doing, something I am already all too familiar with. But I have to play the game well too. I am not familiar with this game or I have long forgotten how it is played. Fair enough. I am back to where I was before but I refuse to stop just because an immense feeling of guilt and worthlessness is settling over my heart at the moment. From time to time, I have to remind myself of how I came this far. Someone will see value in that, one day. The face of Cathy, Jenny and Barbie (what a name) will forever be etched in my mind. Their scorn, the look of dismissal. The times when Jenny jumped at me every single time I speak. The times when Cathy was all too quick to ask me for help a...

If you're able to remain positive and happy during your harshest moments, you're halfway to the real destination

I feel sad today because I lost my temper. I should have kept my cool but couldn't. I tried but he was really giving me attitude. I felt like all those years as his mom was wasted and my effort went down the drain. However, sometimes, this is what a family is like. We get impatient, lose our temper, declare war, or even spend years not talking to each other, sometimes, over petty stuff that could have been overlooked. This is what being a human is like - conflict and resolution even within a family. Actually, especially within a family. At the back of my mind, of course, was my own guilt and self-blame. My own regrets and anger. I wonder if I have done the right things. On the outside, everything looks fine and I am confident but on the inside, there's a raging fire. There's war. One day, I will know how to handle this inside war better. Not today because I lost an inner battle with myself. I also wonder if I am better off being somewhere else, or being with someo...

I don't name and shame a lot. I make it a mission not to be mean to people or organizations because I believe there's always another side to the same story. I should consider all sides before going to the extreme. But this time, I am going to do it because the organization is one of the most despicable one as far as education center is concerned. My kids have been going to Grace Resource Center , now Grace Academy (as they would like to be called), formerly known as Grace Homeschooling Center, since they were little ones. After pulling them out from a private school called Sri Inai Beaconhouse because of the escalating cost and my lack of belief in the public education system (which they were studying for), I enrolled them in Grace Resource Center for, first, their Christian-based education program. I didn't mind despite the fact that I am not a Christian because they teach good values and helps my kids be better people on top of learning what they need to learn educa...

After staying in this new home, my cousin's former home, for a month or so, I can finally say that I feel safe, comfortable and have a refuge. I can't believe we stayed in a house that felt like a torture house for 7 months before this. They say some things happen for a reason and that we won't see the reason until a little later...it's true. What happened, no matter how senseless and cruel it felt at that time, was actually a blessing in disguise. By kicking us out of that house that he prides so much of owning and renting out, the landlord may have done us a favor. So, I should silently thank him for being the asshole that he is and I hope I never have to deal with him again. Now that I think back, there was a time that I naively suggested that maybe we could work together in the future since he was sort of in the same field. I remember his scoff. I was puzzled and didn't think much about it although I felt it was uncalled for and bordering on rude, but I di...

US President, Donald Trump, has this to say about the gun laws in the United States: "They go out and they shoot and they go to ranges and they have a tremendous amount of fun." I understand where he's coming from although I think the solution is pretty simple and straight-forward. Ban guns OUTSIDE of where they think it's fun. Keep them in ranges or in homes of those who are responsible enough to deal with guns. Assault weapons have no place in a free, safe society. Guns are meant to hurt, destroy, injure, or kill. That's what they're made for. So, what is wrong with the American mindset? Why are they so afraid of changing the law? Isn't there enough death by now?  If you want a safer America, the solution is simple if they want to see it: ban the guns, remove them, take them away. Plain and simple. In the meantime, I'll just keep to my life, as you wish, my fellow human beings. You do you but that was my take. Take it or leave it.

I had a splendid birthday this year because I felt at peace living in a place I liked, it was a public holiday and I did simple things that I enjoyed. I took a break from work, took two bottles of soju the night before, did not make a fool out of myself, spent the day watching Spiderman, and then had a massive dinner buffet with the two most important people in my life - my boys. It's the perfect kind of birthday! No fanfare, no biggies needed. Just a simple day of freedom. It was sheer luck that it fell on a holiday this year, must thank my lucky stars and be grateful. It doesn't happen every year. I got a little emo a moment ago when I was listening to Paul Young's song, Everything Much Change. For someone who resist change and try to make everything as status quo as possible, the past few years' been a roller coaster that I never anticipated. Everything is changed and I don't know anything anymore. During my years of being the only parent to my two youn...

Since moving out of our long-time home, it's been some time since I can say that I am happy living in a place that feels like home. The previous house was hell. Now I see it. I guess, the landlord being an asshole with me and the kids is a blessing in disguise after all. It may seem like such a high price to pay, in terms of getting bullied, angry and unfairly treated and money-wise, if they did not kick us out when they did, I would still have been trying to tolerate living in that house. Everything, therefore, happens for a reason. Yeah, I know the traffic here is horrendous and it's so far away from what I am so accustomed to but generally speaking, this feels more like home than the previous house ever will. They've said some really mean things to me and I've also retaliated (I know I am no angel too) but it can only go downhill if we continued staying in that house. They hate me so much that it made me wonder if I was really all in the wrong. I wonder too, ...

I've got tons of books that I get free from my favorite temple, somewhere I used to lived near. I've moved away from the area but I will continue to go to the temple simply because it's become a safe haven for me whenever I feel troubled or need some calm and respite from the hustle of everyday life. So, I've decided to share some of the stuff I find enlightening and I'll start off with the most renowned of them all - Ajahn Chah . *** Credit: Sebastian Unrau on Unsplash The Simple Truth Traditionally, the Eightfold Path is taught with eight steps such as Right Understanding, Right Speech, Right Concentration, and so forth. But the true Eightfold Path is within us - two eyes, two ears, two nostrils, a tongue, and a body. These right doors are our entire Path and the mind is the one that walks on the Path. Know these doors, examine them, and all the dharmas will be revealed. The heart of the path is so simple. No need for long explanations. Give up cling...

Yesterday (Monday) and today was hell in the morning fighting traffic gridlock that saw us sitting in the car stuck in unmoving traffic right outside our house despite having left it 20 minutes earlier. Apart from that, we're totally loving living in this new place. I thanked my cousin so many times for giving us the chance to stay in this house. Not my older cousin brother, but my cousin sister who actually bought and stayed in this house when she was alive. We love the gym, the convenience of having many stores all around us, the airiness of the place, the cooling atmosphere, and the security. On the day of moving into this new place, I had a couple of run-ins with the car. I bumped into someone while reversing right at the guardhouse of this condo early in the morning while I was in a rush, and then later, a truck bumped into me at an intersection. Not only that, I scraped the passenger side of the car door at the old place in Damansara Jaya while trying to park properly t...

This is the second time we've moved house in two years. It was only at the end of 2018 that we started lugging our one-million-and-one-things around to the new place only to find out that we were living in a place we were not only uncomfortable in, the landlord was an awful person. There are many different kinds of people in this world, I know, and I accept that. But to be mean to the extent of being cruel is quite another story. Anyway, that's his life, his personality, and his decision. It's not up to me. Sad to say, the move-in did not start off with a bang. Actually, it did. I hit another person's car while reversing, and then I got a brand new scratch on the passenger side of the car door. I had to pay the guy (and he was insistent and persistent) some money for the kind of repair that I didn't even think warranted it. The car I am driving right now has so many dents as it is and I can't find the time and money to do it. And yet, he says that it is a ...

It's funny how all I ever wanted from my 'other half' was stability, dependability, and someone who I can count on. And as of right now, it's harder to find than a pot of gold under the rainbow. We're moving home again. I've had the misfortune to find one of the worst landlords. I don't know the standard for landlords in Malaysia or the world, but having one that rubs you the wrong way every time he gets and belittles you, has got to rank among the lowest level of landlords. Moving house disrupts the norm and I don't like it. On top of that, because we're moving to a smaller space (my cousin's home - she's passed on due to cancer), we're ditching quite a few things from this house. Honestly speaking, ever since moving to this new house, nothing good has come out of life. Things kept getting worse and worse all the time. I don't know if moving to my cousin's old home is a good idea or if it will bring better luck and prospe...

Yesterday was a day of full-throttle for me. From morning right down to the evening, I was everywhere, doing everything. Even when I felt like crashing, I kept telling myself that I can do it. I have it in me to do it. Complete it and THEN rest. I think that's what's wrong with our societies and lives. We breach the limit and try to reach new heights (it's not a bad thing) too fast (THAT's the bad thing). Today, it came crashing down on me. My body is weak, I feel cold, a shiver is always a short shudder away, my brain is muddled up and I can't seem to concentrate. It has become one of those days . The thing is that, with society being all about the hustle, isn't crashing after pushing yourself too hard an acceptable human thing? It's normal for my body to react to the sudden adrenaline rush and influx of activities this way. This is normal. This is what being a human being is all about. Sometimes when we're gung-ho and accomplish many things...

I've had friends, 2.5 of them (the half is because we're not REALLY sure it was - it was a accidental suicide, if you will) take their own lives and up until this very day, one question lingers on. And I don't think it will ever be answered or go away . The fact that we, the loved ones and friends, will never know the reason why they made the decision to end their lives, sucks bad. What if they blame themselves? They could go their entire lives blaming themselves for not just any death, your death; the death of someone they love dearly - Dr. John Peterson Frankly, I don't know who's reading this blog and I am never going to check who does or doesn't. I write this blog just in case it reaches someone, ANYONE. And it's also my personal outlet to let loose what's on my mind, to share it with the rest of the world so that they know that someone else out there is feeling the same feelings. Going through the same shit and trying to not drown. I also thi...

I feel resentful again today. Every time I look at the lives my friends have, I resent the fact that I have to do everything on my own. Everything from cooking to paying the bills, ensuring the kitchen is stocked to making sure the car doesn't break down. Everything. I wonder what I did that was so wrong in my past life to deserve a life like this. Or is it the fact that I brought this onto myself. Or maybe I was living a pampered life before this, therefore, it's even-ing itself out. I wanted to go for a networking event for my business but I had to deal with my kids' lunch before I do. But then because we're all a bunch of lazy asses, we got out of bed late and I had to rush out the door to make it for the event. My kids were sauntering around, worried about nothing, while I was thinking to myself that the event was a great way to introduce myself and my business to other freelancers and businesses. And yet...I decided it was too stressful. My kids were stil...

Today, I'll delve into Buddhism which has kept me going so far, its teachings has taught me how to be sane and kept me alive. So, instead of the usual rant, I'd like to share words of wisdom that I've got from some of the free books that I've gotten from my temple. The books are free and if someone wants them, I'd actually give them away and share the words of wisdom with them. Here's one. It is an excerpt or written at the start of 'You Are Responsible' by K. Sri Dhammananda. You must learn to shoulder the responsibilities of your own life. You have to learn to admit your own weaknesses without blaming or disturbing others. Remember the old saying: "The uncultured man always blame others; the semi-cultured man blames himself; and the fully-cultured man blames neither ." This happens to me a lot, especially when I was younger. When something went wrong, it was because of someone else's doing, nothing was in my control and I felt lik...

Yesterday was Wesak Day, a day that we pay respect to Buddha and the dharma. I did not manage to go to a temple knowing, for one, that the temple would be packed; two, I am under the weather. But I am reminded that to be a good person, human and a proper Buddhist, paying respect to Buddha and his teachings does not require one to make their way to the temple. The temple is right here where you are, where your consciousness and heart is. I have been an awful (in my eyes) Buddhist lately. So many things are happening around me and it is during tumultuous times like these that are faith is tested.  I admit to it being tested. Again and again.  The despair that sometimes overwhelm me makes me wonder if all this 'BS' about being kind, nice, and doing no bad is all there is to life. When people give you a sucker punch, it sucks not to punch back.  So far, I've not hurt anyone and have done pretty well except for consistently punching MYSELF in the face. The h...

Seriously. This is an eye-opener. It goes against every grain in my body to even be apologetic about the things that I've done and said. The words spurting out from his mouth was so vicious, intentionally hurtful, full of hatred, venomous that it just made me wonder what kind of people works with him or are his friends. Like omg. He called me and my kids freeloaders, living like a queen, poor, inadequate, not 'man enough', told me 'welcome to the real world'. Like omg. I guess there are all kinds of people in this world and I shouldn't let one person change the real person that I am. His arrogance and vile behavior was really eye-opening. Really. It made me feel like humanity is gone in this world. There's no kindness and compassion in him at all. He's an empty vessel full of himself and hate. And you know what? Maybe I pity him after all.

What a year it has been. It's taught me so many things about living life in this wild, wild world. It's not as innocent and simple as I want it to be or thought of it. I also have to learn how not to take things personally when people think badly of me. I tend to blame myself for things when someone thinks badly of me.  Inside my head, the self blame is so loud that I find myself degrading myself. Then I lose my self confidence. Honestly, some people say I appear stuck up. In actual fact, it's that I lack so much confidence in myself. I tend to believe what people tell me. Like what my ex said of me living a life of luxury and spend like crazy and that I am useless. I believed that. There's a guy who's after me and I find myself thinking that he's going to find all kinds of faults with me and ditch me. He's not serious and playing around with me, that's all. That's what all guys like him do, anyway. I don't know it for a fact but I kn...

I am doing everything alone. I see other people who get to delegate tasks amongst family members and I can't help feeling helplessly jealous that they have each other. It's no wonder I am so damn tired at the end of the day. I am only human.  Be kind to myself if others are not going to be kind or understanding to me. When I was young, I used to be indefatigable. I had this belief that I can be anything I wanted to be...whether it was a banker, singer, a business woman, a writer, a freelance worker without a boss.  I believed all of that and went headfirst into them all...and I am what I wanted to be. I am super proud of that fact.  Now, I just need to find that part of me again and keep that thought in my head. I can be whatever I want to be and just need to focus and continue giving it everything I've got. There's just so much to do - from preparing proposals to sending emails, from attending meetings/interviews to mopping the floor, from prepping...

Please tell me everyone goes through this - when you're really in deep with responsibilities, worries, and anxiety about the future, you tend to be really grouchy, ungrateful and full of complaints.  Today was such a day.  Son 2 was having problems with his computer, Son 1 was trying to get ready for his art exam and need supplies (he's worried and anxious too), and I am worried about my up-and-coming firing from a job that I've been at for the past 13 years.  I felt unappreciated, had to deal with everything on my own, and like my life ended when I met my ex-husband when I was 26.  Honestly, when we were at the mall, I felt like throwing myself off a balcony and just end everything. As I was passing small children in playgrounds, I pitied the parents for thinking that their kids bring joy, and I wanted to even scorn and make the kids cry.  I surprised myself for having so much negativity when I normally love being around children. They have...

Today, we woke up late for classes and I am in such a foul mood. It's not as if we were doing anything strenuous, not as if I had a drink the night before, and it was just a normal day that I signed off work (and after watching a drama) at around midnight. And yet, my kids at age 19 and 17, still don't give a shit about their own stuff and schedule. It is really frustrating when everything falls on my shoulders. It's my fault, I guess, for babying them and always handling everything for them. I know for the rest of the day, my mood is going to be just foul and resentful. Is it normal for me to feel this way? For me to be angry that I was also one of those who did not manage to wake up early for classes? But at some point, the kids would have to be more mindful about their own stuff? Is it me shrugging off my responsibility as a mother? When is enough enough? I am just venting and ranting because I sometimes feel overwhelmed and helpless about this whole 'wakin...

Since a few years ago, I've had consistent dreams of a 'strange', 'mysterious' or a 'new' home...yes, as in a house. Sometimes it was about the home I used to stay in with my in-laws where my kids were growing up. Sometimes about me in my old home with my parents and siblings. Sometimes about a home I've never seen before. And sometimes about any of the above homes but with secret passageways or rooms. Nearly all those dreams (or nightmares as they can be sometimes) involve some kind of confusion and situations that I'm afraid of. Like my mom not liking my cooking. A new stretch of lawn that was never there. A room I suddenly fell in love with. And this time, it's about a my old-old home that I was forced to live in because I was ousted or thrown out of into the streets. So, I was living there with my little ones (in my dream, they're always at around age 7 or so, in fact, my younger son might have just been a baby in the dream), ...

I know they say assholes are everywhere and that we should not be vengeful about how people treat us because it brings us down to their level. But MAN, OH MAN, OH MAN. What a friggin' challenge that is. Buddha, how on earth did you do this?! Not only did I finally come face to face with someone who discriminated against women (particularly SINGLE MOTHERS), but also someone who was unapologetic about it. He also prides himself as a businessman above all else, instead of...say, being a human being. LOL What a challenge. He probably doesn't like me very much but I did try my best not to react to all the things that he has said to me in the past, and instead, chose the higher road. But he took it as contempt or just me being ignorant and intentionally ignoring him...maybe because of my perceived 'guilt'. Wow. Today, I'll post this as a reminder to all of us who face such people in our lives. There's really nothing we can do when we meet them except to ...

Those predictors were not too far off the mark when they said the year of the pig is not a good year for me. Man, they didn't tell me it was gonna suck so bad. It's final. The woman my ex-husband cheated with on me has finally been accepted into his family home. What really broke me and tore me into pieces was that they disliked me or hated me so much as to not tell me that they was going to be there for the opening of the CNY get-together. They all expected me to sit there and suck it up like nothing happened. Like she was a new friend. That she didn't betray me. Like she didn't harass me when they were fucking around with each other. Like she didn't drag me into her drama while I was struggling to battle my own demons. With her in the picture with the "official family", they're giving me the boot. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my fault, it wasn't me who cheated, I was treated like trash but I hung on, I tried my best, ...

Some people are asshole but maybe it started off with me being a bitch or asshole from the start and their response was in kind. I don't really know because I've been meeting up with some people. Some good, some uncertain, some shit heads. Have a shitty landlord and he's really one of a kind. But I am thinking this could be a result of me being an asshole to his father to begin with. I wasn't an asshole to his father, more like begging for time to adjust to the new place. 2019 is not starting out good so far. Money is tight and my employer is really kind of uncertain. I smell trouble, something he's not telling me outright. It seems that he's got something against hiring me. I just don't know. Just follow my instincts. I think it's also kind of sad that I've been reduced to a young, dreamy person, full of life, and hopeful for everything in front of her...to someone who believes that everyone has an ulterior motive.  I don'...

Except from " Are You Ready for Happiness? - Don't Let the Paper Tiger Scare You Off " by Khenpo Tsultrim Lodro (translated by Lorraine Wu Chen ) Source of suffering How does human suffering arise? Without thorough investigation, many people instinctively think suffering arises from not having money, not having enough to eat, not having warm clothing, etc. Actually, these are only some of the reasons why we suffer: they are not the main reason.  Original Source of Suffering - Clarity and Ocean of Stillness Buddhism occasionally uses the ocean to describe our state of mind, and sometimes the sky and clouds to explain the essence or activities of the mind. Here we draw a parallel between the ocean and our mind.  The clarity of the mind is likened to an ocean surface which is completely still - without sound, waves or ripples, it is calm and peaceful and seemingly empty of time and space.  Note :  Maybe, one day, I will have the calmnes...

I felt sad when Boy 1 asked me after dinner last night if I regretted having kids. We spent the morning discussing and negotiating school fees and the boys were there to watch the whole thing. I know they felt the pinch on my behalf.  But I've never regretted having kids! I never regretted having them as my kids, although I've regretted meeting their father. But that was one of the most inevitable parts of my life. Unexplaineable. As much as he wished he did not meet me, I don't think he regrets having the boys either.  What I regret is not pulling them out of the money-sucking private educational system sooner. I watch as my friends put THEIR kids in public schools and I can't help but envy their timing and decision.  Back then, we had a bit of resources and my ex had a bit of money for it. Things change and here we are, me shouldering the school fees for private schooling in Malaysia. The worst thing is that my work is unstable. I am only a freelancer...

Today feels a little weird. Went back to my in-laws' place, which we don't visit often enough, and made to feel more than a little unwelcomed or like I was causing trouble.  It just felt weird and I can't put my finger on it.  I felt like I was judged. Maybe it's just me or I am just being hormonal about it.  But whatever it is, I just need to keep my head up and as long as it was unintentional and don't know anything about it (because I am blur), there's nothing I can do about it.  The truth is that if someone has problems with me and don't tell me about it (not even a hint), there's really nothing I can do about it. If I knew about it and given the option to change or behave a certain way, I will think about it and see if I can find a middle-way.  But sometimes people just don't want to tell you things. It makes me feel like just a needle.  Well, I made the best out of it. That's all that is required of me, right? Being...

With a transition looming ahead of us and major adjustments, my mind has been filled with all kinds of worry ranging from bomb threats to serious murders. I know, right? It's one of those things in life that happens, we have to go through it and try to make do with what we have. Or don't have. This is just a reminder to not rob myself of happiness when it is possible. As a Buddhist, I read Buddhist texts almost every day, trying to keep them in order to be a better person/human. But I am still a human. Right now, I am battling my ego and finding myself in an inner emotional conflict.  On one hand, I hate to have to deal with this Person M, on the other hand, it's the only thing I can do to make sure that my kids finish school properly. They need to finish whatever we've started and get moving with life. Onto the next stage of their wonderful journey.  It's time I battle my ego and set it aside, learn how to keep the lid on, and remember the bigg...